CONSUMERS TO LINK OIL COMPANY PROFITS AND PETROL PRICES ANY DAY NOW
"There will also be those who want to hang them up by the feet until the last remaining pennies fall out of their pockets and then beat them to death like one of those Mexican donkey things full of sweets."
TEENAGE LIVES COMPLETE AS GRAND THEFT AUTO FILLS GAP BETWEEN BOUTS OF FRENZIED MASTURBATION
"The combination of GTA IV and committed, high-frequency masturbation should keep them in a state of equilibrium until we can train them up and ship them to Afghanistan."
SYSTEM NO LONGER WORKS, CONFIRMS UN
With poor people in fertile countries rioting because they could not afford to eat the food they had just grown, the UN chief said it was time for him to hide in a cupboard.
"Meanwhile, the banks are borrowing money from taxpayers so that they can then lend the same money back to the taxpayers at a higer rate of interest than they borrowed it from them in the first place. Seriously, is it just me?
BANK PROFITS PLUNGE FROM OBSCENE TO REPULSIVE
"This strategic anomaly has led to a short-term dip in profitability and created the impression that banks are somehow ordinary, everyday businesses. Aha ha ha.
"The fact is, they control every aspect of your lives - often in ways you dare not imagine - and could, if the notion takes them, snap you in half like a dry twig."