It couldn't happen here

…and remember, Terrorists need to walk. So if you know anyone who has amassed a suspiciously large number of shoes call our confidential helpline immediately - even if it is your own mother we're talking about

…and remember, Terrorists need to use the toilet. So if you see anyone behaving suspiciously near a lavatory call our confidential helpline immediately




…and remember, Terrorists sometimes dress as women. So if you see any particularly butch looking potential shemales phone our confidential helpline immediately




…and remember …oh fuck it, just report any dodgy looking non-conformist fucker who isn’t behaving normally – normal being watching X Factor, vomiting outside a pub or shopping – it’s the only way to be sure

Not Normal

Of course, the Metropolitan Police can’t possibly be serious about this nonsense. With all the extra resources put at their disposal – the extra personnel, the latest in cutting-edge surveillance technology, access to confidential databases and the change in our laws – there’s no way that they could be arresting people simply on the basis that they’re ‘a bit dodgy looking’.

Not only would that be wasteful and call into doubt all the zillions being spent and police claims of hundreds of terrorists supposedly present in our country, it would also serve to alienate the people being arrested and the communities in which they live. What kind of stupid fuckers would behave like that? Nah, it could never happen here…

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