Sunday, January 16, 2005

So, you want to be a Full-Service Man Whore

One of the more handy coincidences in my life is the fact that I have been lucky to be partnered up since a few weeks before my 30th birthday. This means that, unusually for man, I can keep track of the size of the anniversary without any give-away fumbling.
It is our 10th this weekend. Not 10th wedding anniversary. We're too cheap to pay for one. Just 10 years together. Tracy has commemorated the occasion by flying off to Budapest with work, leaving me to celebrate on my own by writing a pretty drab-looking website for a friend's Land Fill Monitoring training programme.

I remember when Saturday nights were more interesting.

Anyway, as mentioned previously I am going through the process of distilling the wisdom I have acquired with age in the run-up to my next birthday. The kind of knowledge I wish I had when I was 20.
After finishing the drab landfill monitoring website, I found myself contemplating what I have learned from 10 years of cohabitation and close observation of a representative member of the opposite sex. The answer is quite a lot. So much in fact that I feel fully qualified to set myself up as a trainer of Full-Service Man Whores.

I think I was still half-thinking about that web site at the time.

I'm not talking about your stereotypical male gigolo here. I'm talking about giving women what they really want, good and hard. Provided the price is right of course.

Many members of my fellow sex seem to think that being nice to ladies involves banging away, spaniel style in front of the TV (showing porn or football) with a bacon sandwich in your free hand, then rolling over on your back afterwards and asking the lady in your life if she could pick up a beer and some wet-wipes when next in the kitchen.

Sadly not.

By and large, it's not the physical thing they're after. Consequently, even such useful advice as …

  • Wash hands thoroughly before sex, particularly if you've been handling chillies
  • Do not break wind during oral sex, not matter how relaxed you're feeling
  • Farting under the blankets is NEVER funny
doesn’t really get to the heart of what a full-service man whore should be all about.

No, what ladies really want from a man is for him to be her father, brother, son, lover, provider, caveman, psychiatrist, fashion consultant, best friend, stand up comic, chef and soul mate wrapped up in one package. Now, men aren’t expected to fulfil these roles simultaneously. That would be unfair. No, all they have to do is psychically sense what role their partner needs at any one time, even if she is unsure herself, and act appropriately. Successful navigation through a typical romantic evening, from a cold start through to penetrative sex, should never require any more than 14 or 15 personality changes.
This is quite difficult for the untrained heterosexual man, who usually sees relationships in terms of sex, food and laundry, roughly in that order. The strain of achieving the female ideal is mentally and physically impossible to meet for anything longer than five or six seconds; after which he stumbles around compounding each mistake with a new one. Whipping out his tackle just when she's comparing his finer qualities with those of her father or acting all sensitive and caring when a full-on rogering is what's in order.

That's where my man whore training program comes into play. Key lessons will include:

  • The need for cuddles before, after and frequently as a replacement for sexual intercourse
  • When to be cleverer than your partner and when to be dumber
  • Top 10 snuggling tips
  • The importance of taking an interest in fictional soap opera characters and discussing their lives as if they really existed
  • When to take charge of a situation and when not to
  • How to empathise and, above all, when to avoid offering practical solutions to problems when a hug is what's required
  • Why getting on with her best mate, but not so far as shagging the best mate, is always a good idea
  • Pet names aren’t stupid
  • Don't even bother to think about lying unless it's a compliment
  • Cosmetics are not overpriced crap
  • Why 'free' gifts given away with cosmetic sets really are a fantastic way to save money
  • The value of expensive junk and comfort food
  • Spotting new hair styles within 24 hours of their creation
  • What to say and what not to say about new outfits
  • There's no such thing as too many shoes
  • Being Dirty in Bed - the importance of personal hygiene
Oooh, I feel a new website coming on. Maybe even a printed user's manual..
I'll be flying off to Budapest tomorrow to spend a couple of days with the other half. Presumably we'll celebrate our anniversary then. I might even treat Tracy to a 'free one'. She deserves it.


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