Friday, December 01, 2006

Big Uncle Stef's Big Christmas Gift Guide

They're Here...


Having just spent an evening babysitting, i.e. watching children’s TV, with my three year old niece I am now fully up to speed with what youngsters want this Christmas…

Everything they’ve seen advertised on television!

At one point in the evening, Junior briefly took time out from rhytmically pointing at The Box and saying ‘I want that for Christmas’ every thirty seconds to ask me…

What do you want for Christmas uncle?

Which would have been almost touching if I thought she actually gave a toss.

But she’s three so she doesn’t

However, if I were to compile a list of must-buy gifts and consumerist tat to buy for her uncle and her other friends this festive season, in the same vein as all those double page feature spreads that blight the print media at this time of year, it would definitely include the following…


Stef’s Guide to the Very Best in Internet Shopping this Christmas

  • Still trying to find a present for the petrolhead in your family? Why not buy them a copy of Top Gear Presenter Richard Hammond’s ‘What not to Drive



  • The reviews on Amazon are pretty positive. The most recent one reads…

    A great read but it's probably best to wait for the updated edition which will include "300mph Jet Car With Wobbly Wheels".
    (Was this review helpful to you? Yes/ No)

  • And for the Ex FSB Assassin who’s outlived his usefulness in your life why not visit - AnythingRadioactive.com. Possibly one of the few retail sites on the Internet that features the warning 'Do not eat or otherwise ingest these samples and DO NOT keep them in your underpants!'. They stock a full range of Russian-made Geiger counters (not suitable for alpha radiation detection) and are currently doing a special on ‘Exclusive Nuclear Christmas Tree Baubles’. Their ‘Nuclear Nibbles and Toxic Treats’ range, in particular, must be flying off the shelves. Though presumably not via British Airways



  • The new War on Terror board game looks like a box full of family fun but a little pricey at twenty six quid, even if it does include a snuggly balaclava with the word Evil stamped on it in bright red. Apparently, the makers of War on Terror are offering an additional Evil Balaclava as a prize to the first person photographed wearing one in Parliament Square. A tempting prospect but not that tempting. It's not the risk of being gunned down in broad daylight by S019 that bothers me. That could happen absolutely anywhere. It's the twenty-six quid

  • For the three year old niece in your life, a doll with a difference – The Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure. Yes, she’s now old enough to learn that Big Uncle Stef is a twisted old scrotum with a twisted old scrotum's sense of humour...


  • Alternatively, a children’s gift with considerably more spiritual potency than a dancing penguin - Armor of God PJs

  • And for any stressed-out chicken breeders on your Christmas shopping list – The Inflatable H5N1 Chicken Protector. Fingers crossed for a person-sized version with a smidge more headroom before that inevitable mutation we’ve all been told about cuts loose




  • And, finally, not a gift recommendation but a link to Mitchell and Webb's ‘Heroin Addict Christmas’ sketch because I think it’s funny, and because I live in Lambeth....



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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

How about getting yourself and index for the blog?

If you had one we could post a link to your depressing £5 per shot prostitution post to Guido fawkes' story here [William Hague, it seems, has launched a campaign against people trafficking. Apparently too many end up working in, ahem, human resources for as little as £15 a time.] Nice of Guido's fink, Catesby esq, to be so flippant.

Stef said...

well quite, but they are, as I understand, advocates of the free market - whatever that might be

re. the link/ index thing - I'll have a look into that and might do something about it as long is doesn't cost as much as £26

Daniel said...

Aw, your a bit unfair on your niece. I'm sure she cares (sorta)! ;)