Thursday, February 24, 2005

You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips

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For reasons that escape me now, I was perusing a variety of horoscopes a few days ago. Well-versed as I am in the more traditional Dark Arts I didn't even bother looking into my Western-version horoscope, I'm an Aquarius, but moved straight onto the Chinese stuff.
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In the Chinese Zodiac I qualify as a wooden snake.
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Per an American website that follows the time honoured tradition of all horoscope commentaries of never saying anything bad about peoples' personalities ...
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Snake people enter a room and there is Music, Music, Joy! Everyone dances! Such high spirit! The Snake is so intense and passionate, just as likely to take out the castanets as to climb mountains of snow. Snake year people are charming and romantic, often planning delightful hideaway surprises. Possessing tremendous wisdom, they are deep, quiet thinkers, calm by nature, but most intense. They often get involved in great causes, bigger than life, and often serve as mentors to the young. To paraphrase Confucius, they have a kind of inner beauty that arises, hovers, then comes to nest. They will have an abundance of good fortune and a long and prosperous life.
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Well that's me down to the tip of my fingernails. More worrying was this snippet at the end of the gushing snake eulogy ...
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Famous Snake People: Mao Tse-tong, Mahatma Gandhi, Indira Gandhi, Ferdinand Marcos, Abraham Lincoln, Lady Pamela Mountbatten, Martin Luther King, Grace Kelly, Jacqueline Kennedy, Edgar Allen Poe, Prime Minister Tony Blair, Bob Dylan

This is not a good list. Not only does it include evil tyrants such as Mao, Marcos and Blair, it also features far too many people who were shot in the head.

So, I decided to start a new branch of astrology/ divination. One that would deliver the kind of results I wanted to hear. One based on the musical charts at the time you were born. And so, armed with the country and date of my birth, I was able to refer to this site
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and establish that I was born in the week of 'You've Lost That Loving Feeling' by The Righteous Bros.
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That's more like it!
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Sadly, I couldn't calculate Tracy's birthchart as New Zealand Singles Charts from three decades back are as hard to find as Shakespeare First Folios. However, if she had been born in the UK she would be under the sign of Black Night by Deep Purple; also not a bad record. If she had been delivered six months premature though she would have caught the original Spirit in the Sky which would certainly have been worth aiming for.
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Right, I'm off to start a whole new science of personality profiling and prediction; including compatability charts, careers advice and discussion of the influence of B sides, 12 inch and import versions:
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'Those born whilst Novelty Christmas Singles were playing on the radio will not find true love with those born under the influence of Hendrix.'
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'There appears to be some remixing in your chart. That is not good.'
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'You lie in the House of Whigfield, you are therefore eleven years old and too young to be a policeman.'
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I'm sure this will catch on. I'll be rich I tell you. Rich!
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2 comments:

Northun Munki in Oxford Circus said...

According to your astrology system I'm a Space Oddity.

Although I'm proposing a modification to the system - what was playing as you were conceived?

January by Pilot apparently in my case, never heard of them - not suprising as it was (9 months) before my time although a disconcerting title considering they hit the number 1 spot in Febuary!

Stef said...

and you just missed a Leo Sayer chart-topper by a couple of weeks. You lucky man.

Interesting idea you have there. Personally, my only problem with the conception thing is that Cilla Black was No.1 with You're my World when I was first fused and I don't think I could bear to live with the shame.

I haven't heard of January by Pilot either. I'm off to correct that gap in my knowledge right away ...