Thursday, February 03, 2005

Fellow citizens! Kill your burglar!

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Good to see that The Sun is back on form lately. Watching the review of the next day's newspapers on Newsnight last Friday, Kirsty Wark read out headlines from The Times and The Telegraph about the Iraqi elections, then she turned to a copy of The Sun and said …
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'Julian Clary victim of Albanian Mafia kidnap plot.'
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For the first time in 25 years of watching Newsnight, not even during the bizarre Mark E. Smith interview last year, I heard the production team pissing themselves with laughter somewhere in the background.
On reflection, non British readers of this blog might not understand why this was so funny.

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How about today's Sun then ? Sitting in my brother David's café today, I perused his prodigious collection of newspapers and came across a cracking piece in The Sun. I've pasted a couple of extracts at the top of this blog.
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In response to this week's clarification of the law by the government, The Sun interviewed ex SAS man Andy McNab and produced an illustrated to guide to incapacitating and, if you play your cards right, killing burglars. I particularly enjoyed the lines 'You can stand on his neck or chest too' and 'Hit him with anything you can, even a table lamp'.
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Marvellous!
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Chatting with David about this story he mentioned an even better one from a few weeks back that I'd missed. Apparently, a nutritionist was complaining about the poor standards of food education in Britain today. As an example she mentioned the fact that she had met several low income families who, after being told that parents should feed their children the same food that they eat as soon as possible, had bought meals from McDonalds, blended them, then fed them to their babies. David swore that this was a straight-up article and not a spoof.
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Fantastic!
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On the walk home from the café this evening, I plotted my next money making scheme - 'Stef's Baby Meal Range'. Produced for the discerning white trash consumer, Stef's pureed Baby Meals would come in a selection of mouth-watering flavours …

  • Cheeseburger Happy Meal
  • Meat Feast Pizza - Deep Pan or Stuffed Crust
  • Mini Chicken Kiev
  • Kebab
I can just picture the cute little jars with bright, colourful pictures of smiling clowns on them. Tasting equally good hot or cold, the meals would require no preparation and could be warmed up by simply leaving them next to your mobile phone for a couple of minutes.
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But it doesn’t stop there. New ranges of foil-wrapped pet foods have hit the market in recent years; aimed at upwardly mobile pet owners who want to give their 'babies' something a little special. The generic varieties of old; 'fish', 'meat', or 'chicken', have now been replaced with the likes of 'Tiger Prawn and Spicy Chorizo' or 'Sezuan-style Quail and Partridge'.
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But no major manufacturer, not a single one, has targeted the chav pet food market. The potential is limitless; foil-wrapped chicken nugget kitty chunks, doners for dogs, bacardi breezers for budgies ...
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I'll be rich, rich I tell you!!!
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Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha!

Ha!
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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is there a picture with a baseball bat in it ?

I used to have one by the door in my old flat. I am more secure now, but still have it and would use it, unfortunately the bat is a nice one, as used by John Smoltz from the Atlanta Braves, picked up from the Braves shop in Atlanta in 1997. It was a souvenir when I bought it, but London has changed since then and I have re-classified it as a weapon.

Then again Blair tells us that crime is going down, so I may give it away to the children playing outside.

Stef said...

Blimey! That was a quick comment. I didn't even get a chance to past the text to go with the picture.

In answer to your question, no, no baseball bats. Picture No.1 featured a rolling bin (rubbish) and Picture No.2 a wine bottle (unbroken, so only marginally better).

Yes, I too have undertaken a similiar reclassification of my personal possessions and now look upon my 4 D Cell Maglite as being a defensive item rather than a source of illumination in itself. Though smaller than a baseball bat, you do have the option of blinding the f*cker first before crowning him. It worked a treat on Sunday night when I caught a junkie shooting up outside my bedroom window ...

Clark said...

Please use more beautiful English slang, for I am studying youGreat blog. Your post a couple back sounded like a London version of Insomniac with Dave Attell

Stef said...

Cor blimey ain't you a dimond geeza my old china!

OK, that's enough chirpy London Cockney patois for now methinks. Who is this Dave Attell creature you refer to? I must be out of touch. Time for a spot of googling methinks ...