Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Tony Blair announces initiatives to tackle climate change ...

Artist's Impression of the UK after Tony Blair's climate change initiatives take hold

I just saw TB on the tele tonight making a grand speech about how he is going to tackle the growing threat of climate change and save us all. Thanks Tony.

This was on the same day that at least another 50 innocent people were blown up in Baghdad. It's increasingly difficult to tell if Our Beloved Leader is simply wicked or nuttier than a family-size Snickers bar. It doesn't matter really the result is the same.

Assuming that Tony will be as succesful at tackling climate change as he has been in bringing stability to Iraq and halting degradation of Britain's infrastructure; with that surefire Midas Touch he and his cronies are now famous for, the canny investor should now consider the following ...

  • Building marinas capable of servicing cruise liners in what are currently our inland cities. It'll be a lot more cost-effective putting the foundations down before the tide comes in
  • Planning new office developments around the future capital of the UK; the tea shop at the top of Mount Snowdon
  • Extending the Channel Tunnel to Ben Nevis
  • Marrying a mermaid, getting your hands on some of Marine Boy's Oxy-gum or evolving into an amphibian
  • Converting the Millennium Dome into a fabulous, James Bond-style undersea base suitable for Tony and his closest adviser and best friend, Gandor Invisible King of the Potato People
Good news for the Labour party and Atlantis buffs though. Once Tony has solved the problem of climate change, all those safe Conservative seats in the Home Counties will disappear under 200ft of bonus Atlantic Ocean and become the stuff of legend. New Labour will then rule for a 1,000 years. What an exillerating and life-affirming thought.

Isn't it funny how all those lone gunmen only kill well-loved and benevolent leaders and leave the blood-stained murderers and dickheads alone? Lee Harvey Oswald where are you and your crude bolt-action rifle when we need you now ...

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