Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Its Local Election time again - oh goodie

It’s local election time again this week.

One of the key give aways of impending local elections is the flurry of ‘local newsletters’ that start vomiting through your front door a week or two before.

They all share certain key characteristics

  • Even though they are produced by political parties, they have apolitical titles like ‘The Londoner’, ‘South London People’ or ‘Oval News
  • Even though they’re only produced for elections they purport to be some kind of regular publication
  • They make extensive reference to something called The Community. A shadowy, cult-like organisation managed by saintly figures who would lay down their lives for your personal salvation and well-being
  • They’re published by c^nts

Fans of the movie ‘Memento’ will recognize strong parallels between the contents of these newsletters and the notes written by Guy Pierce to himself as he struggles with his loss of short term memory. Presumably, activists working for the major political parties assume the average voter suffers from a similar affliction

Do not trust the Labour/ Conservative/ Liberal candidates

They lie

Trust your local Labour/ Conservative/ Liberal candidate instead

We’re great. You remember all the great things we’ve done in the past don’t you

One of the real problems with the UK local elections, and even the national elections, is that as more and more public services get farmed out to faceless private contractors on long term, monopolistic contracts the significance of which political party is in charge becomes less and less important. Local elections have simply become a mechanism to establish who gets the complimentary blow jobs and Caribbean holidays whenever a new contract tender is up for negotiation.

Conviction politicians are sadly thin on the ground. As are convicted politicians, but that’s another story.

The worst of my current crop of propaganda fliers is ‘The Londoner’, produced by the Mayor of London’s office.

There’s been some talk over recent months that maybe we should consider state funding of political parties as an alternative to political parties canvassing for cash from private interests.

Yes, very funny

Our political parties are already ripping our faces off to promote themselves. Look at the plethora of Orwellian ‘the government is good’ adverts that started to appear in the media from the first day New Labour came to office

Ken Livingstone’s ‘The Londoner’ is no different. And there’s something particularly annoying in being served up with political propaganda that was paid for out of mandatory taxation.

According to the Londoner, Life has never been better than under Ken Livingstone.

Our first reaction on reading it was

‘Wherever this newspaper is talking about sounds great, we’d really, really like to live there’

Our second reaction was

‘Oh, it’s here… Bugger’

Highlights from the latest issue of the Londoner include

  • The news that it has been scientifically established that only the mentally ill are opposed to the 2012 London Olympics and the huge money trough that is about to be constructed in East London
  • A particular bizarre quote from Ken Livingstone extolling the fact that London’s current population growth is comparable with its growth ‘at the height of the Victorian Empire’ – and we all know how great things were for the average Londoner back then
  • This line taken straight from the fucking Twilight Zone - ‘Londoners now say that transport is one of the best things about living in the capital, while five years ago it was named as one of the worst



Presumably the Londoner did not speak to anybody who uses the Northern or Victoria Lines and those that they did speak to were OK with the idea of travelling on the most expensive public transport system in the world’. Or maybe the Londonder interviewed this man who clearly enjoys travelling on the London Underground immensely.

… Transport … one of the best things about living in the capital…

For fuck’s sake

The Londoner didn’t mention anything about the Capital’s annual tractor production or wheat harvest statistics but if it had I’m sure the figures would have been marvellous.


Even though the Londoner is the cream of the crop when it comes to deceitful local election piffle the Liberal Democrat's own 'Oval News' deserves honourable mention featuring, as it does, a large picture of Tony Blair and George Bush above the caption 'Labour backed Bush's Iraq War'. Presumably that feature was prepared by Oval News' international correspondent.


Richard said...

Lambeth voters should take a look at before voting. You can read and comment on lambeth manifestos and find out about who is standing.

David said...

Just to say from across the water, Barnet conservatives are the first (and possibly only) party in Britain to remove road humps. They are sticking to their manifesto promise if no one else.

Wolfie said...

Strangely enough in Hammersmith and Fulham we've not had a peep out of any party except the Conservatives, who have visited my flat - twice, put info-sheets through my letter-box every week for the last two months, phoned me - twice, send me a weekly email bulletin and hand out leaflets at the tube station. If they don't stop stalking me I think I might have a nervous breakdown! Alright! Alright! I'll vote bloody Conservative now leave me alone!

Daniel said...

"The Community. A shadowy, cult-like organisation managed by saintly figures who would lay down their lives for your personal salvation and well-being"


BTW, your a towel. ;)

jackenstein of all trades said...

"as more and more public services get farmed out ... the significance of which political party is in charge becomes less and less important"

Wise words, rarely spoken.