Friday, February 04, 2005

Bendy Bus Revenue Protection Raid 2


Bendy Bus Revenue Protection Raid at the E&C #2
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Earlier today I was strolling past the London College of Communication (formerly London College of Printing) at the Elephant and Castle. I stopped briefly to watch a Nigerian student taking an abstract student picture of a broken window pane. Just to see what it was like, I stared intently at what he was doing and tutted at him when he looked over his shoulder; as if to say 'what are you taking a stupid picture like that for?'. People do this to me several times a day and I was curious to know what it felt like. I have to say it didn’t actually do very much for me and I won’t be doing it again; preferring instead to let people go about their business without staring at them and making noises like a twat.
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Anyway, this budding photographer really was a loser. Whilst he was focusing intently on glass shards, an altogether more interesting scene was taking place just around the corner.

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I wrote a post about violence on London public transport last week and posed the question …

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Hands up anyone who knows of any other city in the world where bus ticket inspectors operate in platoon-sized units supported by police wearing body armour?
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And today, joy of joys, I was privileged to witness a full-scale 'Revenue Protection' raid in progress. What have I done to be blessed with such good fortune? Something like seven or eight burly inspectors, with police support, were pulling people off buses confining them up in a marked-out holding area for 'enforcement'. I was particularly struck by the ethnic mix of the participants; one group of low income black people was being manhandled and fined by another group of low income black people, all under the controlling gaze of white, uniformed policemen. All that was missing was the mirror shades and pump action shotguns with a sweet, sweet action. The old ways are the best ways aren't they.
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Unfortunately, I wasn't able to line myself up for any decent photographs. The police seemed a little edgy and, surprisingly, not particularly proud of what was taking place.
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I'm not sure what was more pathetic. The sight of over dozen men chasing poxy bus fares or the fact that the fare evaders are too dumb to buy the undated tickets that you can use time and again.
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London bus tickets cost £1.

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Bendy Bus Revenue Protection Raid 1


Bendy Bus Revenue Protection Raid at the E&C #1
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Paul-Friendly post


Borough Market - Lock Stock filming location and a red rag to a photographic bull
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Just returned from swift beer with a couple of old work colleagues. One of them, let's call him Paul, everyone else does, mentioned that he does read my blog on occasions but that the posts were on the long side and not really accessible in the context of a few grabbed minutes as part of an, admittedly, busy working day.
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He had a point and I promised to include a larger proportion of Paul-Friendly posts in future. Then, on the way home, I thought about the problem a little bit more and here's my revised solution ...
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Get your wife to read them. She does everything else for you anyway
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Actually, that's a bit harsh. It was clear Paul wanted to cover my round on account of me being out of work. Next time I'll ask him for the money instead.
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Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week ...
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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Fellow citizens! Kill your burglar!

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Good to see that The Sun is back on form lately. Watching the review of the next day's newspapers on Newsnight last Friday, Kirsty Wark read out headlines from The Times and The Telegraph about the Iraqi elections, then she turned to a copy of The Sun and said …
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'Julian Clary victim of Albanian Mafia kidnap plot.'
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For the first time in 25 years of watching Newsnight, not even during the bizarre Mark E. Smith interview last year, I heard the production team pissing themselves with laughter somewhere in the background.
On reflection, non British readers of this blog might not understand why this was so funny.

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How about today's Sun then ? Sitting in my brother David's café today, I perused his prodigious collection of newspapers and came across a cracking piece in The Sun. I've pasted a couple of extracts at the top of this blog.
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In response to this week's clarification of the law by the government, The Sun interviewed ex SAS man Andy McNab and produced an illustrated to guide to incapacitating and, if you play your cards right, killing burglars. I particularly enjoyed the lines 'You can stand on his neck or chest too' and 'Hit him with anything you can, even a table lamp'.
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Marvellous!
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Chatting with David about this story he mentioned an even better one from a few weeks back that I'd missed. Apparently, a nutritionist was complaining about the poor standards of food education in Britain today. As an example she mentioned the fact that she had met several low income families who, after being told that parents should feed their children the same food that they eat as soon as possible, had bought meals from McDonalds, blended them, then fed them to their babies. David swore that this was a straight-up article and not a spoof.
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Fantastic!
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On the walk home from the café this evening, I plotted my next money making scheme - 'Stef's Baby Meal Range'. Produced for the discerning white trash consumer, Stef's pureed Baby Meals would come in a selection of mouth-watering flavours …

  • Cheeseburger Happy Meal
  • Meat Feast Pizza - Deep Pan or Stuffed Crust
  • Mini Chicken Kiev
  • Kebab
I can just picture the cute little jars with bright, colourful pictures of smiling clowns on them. Tasting equally good hot or cold, the meals would require no preparation and could be warmed up by simply leaving them next to your mobile phone for a couple of minutes.
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But it doesn’t stop there. New ranges of foil-wrapped pet foods have hit the market in recent years; aimed at upwardly mobile pet owners who want to give their 'babies' something a little special. The generic varieties of old; 'fish', 'meat', or 'chicken', have now been replaced with the likes of 'Tiger Prawn and Spicy Chorizo' or 'Sezuan-style Quail and Partridge'.
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But no major manufacturer, not a single one, has targeted the chav pet food market. The potential is limitless; foil-wrapped chicken nugget kitty chunks, doners for dogs, bacardi breezers for budgies ...
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I'll be rich, rich I tell you!!!
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Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha!

Ha!
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Oi you! Nuttah!

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A couple of weeks ago I took part in a discussion on a photography forum. The subject of the discussion was 'Tips for candid street photography in London'. I commented that real London candid street photography was so dangerous as to be virtually impossible. A few people pitched in and took me to task; implying that I was a malnourished, limp-wristed kind of photographer for saying such things. They posted links to galleries of candid London street photography to show me how wrong I was.
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Almost without exception, the galleries were filled with sneaky pictures of people drinking coffee in Starbucks', tramps sleeping on benches in Leicester Square, shots of tourists or portraits of people who clearly knew the photographers.
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I was so bored I could have screamed.
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Let's be clear here. Good candid photography of real London, 90% of London, is virtually impossible. That is why most of my pictures do not have people in them. And I still find myself dealing with people who suspect me of having taken pictures of them, even if I am facing completely the opposite direction. People in this town are nervy of photographers. They either think you’re a pervert or working for the government; though it has to be said that 90% of photographers do fit into one or both of these categories. The act of raising a camera to your face, in anything but a touristy or unpopulated environment, immediately attracts attention. I'm currently working on the specification for a new digital candid street photography system that I will forward to Canon, Nikon and the other big marques. Key features of my new system will include:
  1. Development of a high surface area CMOS imaging chip with good signal to noise and dynamic range attributes, packaged in a rangefinder-style body, incorporating a focal plane shutter and the facility for interchangeable prime lenses
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  2. Predator style 'heads-up' targeting goggles, coupled to a shoulder mounted hydraulic camera mount that makes really cool swooshing noises when it rotates, complemented by a multiple-barrelled laser canon mounted on the other shoulder for close area defence
So-equipped I might then consider taking pictures of shoppers in the Elephant and Castle.
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Case in point. On the way home this evening I was walking along the Kennington Road; just opposite the house where Charlie Chaplin grew up before sailing to America and a productive lifetime of unfunny comedy and sex with 14 year olds. Some kind of police operation was in progress. Nine or ten police were taking down the particulars of the drivers of five cars they had pulled to one side. Thoughtfully the police had set out a series of signs explaining what they were up to. The signs said …
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Automatic Number Plate Recognition and cameras in operation being used by the Metropolitan Police to reduce Crime and Disorder
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This sign tickled me for numerous reasons; it contains a couple of tautologies and grammatical errors, the words Crime and Disorder are capitalised and the word Disorder itself is just so vague and police-state sounding. 'Stop villain! I believe you are utilising this vehicle for the purposes of Disorder!!!'.
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All in all, this poster had a vaguely 1984 feel to it and I resolved to photograph it. Admittedly, 1984 didn’t live up to its rep when it finally arrived (nor did 1999, 2000 and 2001 come to think of it) but I like that whole bureaucratic police state vibe and enjoying recording its manifestations.
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Also, I was pretty impressed by the Automatic Number Plate Recognition system. It appears to include an advanced, and unpublicised, skin pigmentation detection system as well. The drivers of all five cars were Black. Now, I'm no PC liberal but even in Lambeth five out of five is pushing it. Mind you, if they could only hook up this sophisticated new software to some kind of truncheon-bearing robot arm we'd really be talking progress.
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The other funny thing about this sign and all its numerous siblings that litter the streets of this fair city is that, if signs promising effective law enforcement really helped to improve their local environment, I'd be living in f**king Shangri-La right now.
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And I don't.
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Anyway, I took out my camera and made a picture of the sign. Not looking for a fracas with the police or irate members of the public, I was careful not to point the camera towards any of the people on the side of the street. They still thought I was up to something though. One of the drivers and a policewoman started glaring at me, quite aggressively.
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'F**k that', I thought, 'I'll ask them what their problem is'. To cut a long post short, the driver was a British born Caribbean woman who was worried what I up to, thinking I was part of the police operation. I assured her that I was not, showed her the picture and apologised for any concern I may have inadvertently caused. The police woman was more interesting. She thought it was extremely unusual that someone would stop on the street to photograph a sign. She used the word 'unusual' three times in two sentences. I toyed with trying to explain post-modern irony to her, gave up on the idea and lamely said 'It's my hobby. I take pictures of official signs'. She used the word 'unusual' a few more times and looked at me as if I was some kind of nutter. I replied that I preferred to use the word original rather than unusual and smiling, like a nutter, I bade a fond farewell and carried on home.
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I mention this story for two reasons. Firstly, because it demonstrates that even taking pictures of inanimate objects in public places in London can cause unfavourable or paranoid attention. The second point is a little more subtle. I think that sign was funny. I know that some of my friends will also think it is funny. It was worth a digital frame of any plucky photographer's time. But the police woman was clearly not equipped to see the humour in what I was photographing. And then we get onto the issue of what does or does not constitute suspicious or potentially unlawful behaviour. On countless occasions I've heard people utter lines like 'Only people who have something to hide are against identity cards' or 'What good reason would he have to behave like that?' and so on. If we're not careful, particularly with this War on Terror and other nonsenses, there's a real risk that even relatively slight deviations from 'normal' will be treated as suspicious or even criminal behaviour.
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Yeah, yeah, Stef's in La-La Land again. Maybe. But you weren't called 'unusual' half a dozen times by a policewoman in the space of two minutes. It's not like I had my pants on my head or anything like that. Well, not today anyway …
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Official: You can kill a burglar

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Am quite happy with this shot I grabbed at the Elephant and Castle last night
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Would you Adam and Eve it!

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… so, there we were on Saturday evening in Rotherhithe, looking for the newish plaque commemorating Michael Caine's birthplace. Fortunately we had acquired a local guide, Lance, along the way. Which was just as well, as otherwise we would have walked right past it.
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Michael Caine is a South London pureblood. Born in Rotherhithe, his family moved to Camberwell and then later to Peckham. Which means that he is not actually a proper Cockney. Nor he is, as far as we can tell, Jewish, even though his real name is Maurice Joseph Micklewhite, which sounds pretty Jewish to me.
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Being a bespeckled South London Cockney gentile myself, this means that I can identify with Michael Caine and love him even more, if such a thing is possible. East End non gentiles have to make do with Stephen Berkoff as a role model. I'm happy with my end of the bargain.
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Anyway, the three of us stood in awe beneath the blue plaque honouring this great man's birth.
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It's a bit rubbish actually.
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The building formerly known as St Olave's Hospital is now home to the glamorous-sounding North Southwark Community Mental Health Unit. The building is tatty and halfway towards being a full-on mouldering ruin. Though barely a year old, the plaque was showing signs of discoloration and Southwark Council hadn’t even repainted the cracked paintwork before erecting the plaque.
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And how did Sir Michael describe the honour of having a plaque erected in his name on this corpse of a building?
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"..better than winning an Oscar."
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What a star! Seventy one years old and still taking the piss. Truly a man worthy of our continued admiration.
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After paying homage to our icon, the three of us set upon a whirlwind Bermondsey pub crawl in search of the last remnants of the lost Great White Tribe of South East London. And find them we did. We struck gold on our second pint and spent the rest of the evening in pub number two. Large parts of London have undergone wholesale change in recent years but not there. Time had stood still for 25 years or more and we just sat back, supped on the finest and fizziest of lagers and took it all in. High points included:
  • Overhearing a transaction between a 16 year old and a twelve year old. The 16 year old had increased his commission for buying the 12 year old's cigarettes to 20 per cent
  • Women dressed up in their 'best' just to go to the pub
  • 13 year old girls ordering rounds of drinks
  • A disco taking place in one corner of the pub whilst the rest of the room carried on as normal. Disco for the ladies. Pool, darts and televised football for the gentlemen
  • The en suite dart board having its own dedicated spot lights so people can continue to play darts whilst the disco is in full swing around them
  • Dance music exclusively selected from the golden age of disco, as standard fare and not as part of any silly old theme night
  • A single, really lame party light
  • The only concession to multiculturalism; draught German lager
  • A limited but impressive selection of divorcees and widows, some of them old enough to be Michael Caine's cast-offs, dancing for our delectation, Salome-style
  • Several groups, comprising three generations of females from the same family, sitting impassively around small circular tables
  • Repeatedly lacerating my arms on the way to the toilet on nicotine-stained artex wall coverings
  • A middle aged barwoman holding our hands when giving us our change to make sure we didn’t drop it
  • Consciously holding back the contents of my stomach on leaving the pub at the end of an evening acclimatising myself to an atmosphere composed of 20% alcohol fumes, 80% tobacco smoke
  • Etc
I guess you’d have to be of a certain age and background to understand to retro appeal of a night out like this. I haven’t had one for at least 15 years and it felt like coming home. In the words of Captain Kirk at the end of Wrath of Khan, I felt young again. Well, maybe not that young; I only finished five pints and endured the ignominy of having my two companions sharing numero sei between them because I feared it so.
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I'm sure that there are plenty of pubs and surrounding communities just like this left about, particularly outside of London, but they are a dying breed. Tastes have changed and many of the recent immigrant groups don't really warm to pub culture. Kids nowadays prefer to spend their nights in larger, flashier drinking factories, which probably goes some way to explaining the real, or perceived, rise in binge drinking in the UK. A certain amount of excessive and under-age drinking was always permitted in old style pubs but usually under some degree of adult supervision; 'Now now dearie. Eight pints is more than enough. You don’t want to miss school tomorrow'.
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We've seen a lot of dead pubs during the course of our walks around London and many of them have been converted into flats. That's a shame. In a few years time only a handful will be left and only kept in business by curious, living history, visits from Japanese coach parties.
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Lance walked home via his second kebab of the weekend (two kebab weekends, I remember those) and Ian and myself fetched ourselves home on the tube. A quick change onto the Northern Line and, within a few minutes of leaving the pub, we were sitting opposite a couple of dodgy foreign geezers who glared at us as if we'd just murdered their sisters. We were back in 2005 alright.
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Stephen Berkoff was on the tele when I back to the flat; doing the voice-over for Lucozade Hydro-Active Fitness Water. I should have taken the hint and drunk some before going to bed. Maybe next time we could visit his blue plaque and drink a few beers afterwards. Or how about the Sid James plaque on Gunnersbury Avenue .... Does Kenneth Williams have one?
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Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Tiscali UK - a really great company (only kidding)

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I'm having more than a little trouble with my ISP - Tiscali UK. They're rubbish. Admittedly, my troubles are of little interest to anyone other than me. However, I have been able to extract a modicum of popular entertainment from my situation. I have achieved this through the act of trawling through on-line ISP review sites.
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Now the amusing thing about these sites is that the bulk of people posting reviews on them fall broadly into two categories:
  1. People who are really annoyed with their ISPs and want to vent spleen
  2. People employed by the ISPs that make people so annoyed they want to vent spleen
The fun part is trying to guess which category each review falls into. See if you can tell which is which from these two sample reviews:
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Tiscali Specimen Customer Review A
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Well i don't know what's wrong with everybody else's connection but mine's fine and always has been, i'm with Tiscali for my phone billing and broadband ISP and i've never had any problems, my phone bil comes every month, nice and uncomplicated unlike BT with discount for friends, discount for family, discount for your best friend, discount for your next door neighbour and discount overseas calls, trouble is it's all wrapped up with carried forward from last bill not including d/debits up to and including the first Monday of the month providing it doesn't clash with bank holidays and leap years etc,etc. I was paying circa 140.00 a quarter, now it's been as little as 15.56 per month. I'm with Tiscali now for broadband and i get online everytime, i think what's needed for everyone is to employ the services of someone who knows what they're doing, a friend of mine (computer systems analysist) set my account up and it's just fine. Bruce
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Tiscali Specimen Customer Review B
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I cannot recommend this ISP - stay away & use pigeons - they'll be more reliable and produce about the same level of crap
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Let's just say the first review is in the minority shall we. A very, very small minority.
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A few of Tiscali's planted customer reviews are extremely amusing indeed; as they appear to be written by the same Indian guys responsible for customer support. Putting it diplomatically, their standard of written English is surreal if not totally poor. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against outsourcing to developing countries per se, though I do think it a tad cheeky to charge Developed World prices for 3rd World support. No, we should share available wealth and jobs with our fellow men. Really. Though, strangely, I note that senior management roles within Tiscali have yet to be transferred to the Subcontinent. I'm sure that they're getting round to it.
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Imagine that they built a Dome and nobody came ...

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I've just finished wading through a stack of photographs I 'made' on Saturday during a walk from The Dome to Rotherhithe. We saw more squalor than you could shake a stick at and captured several images that are unlikely ever to be included in the 'BBC Sights of London' web page'. Far too nasty. We wouldn't want to spoil the party by posting photographs of how 80% of this City's population really live would we? A shame really; images of South London are so under-represented on the web. Anyway, I'm happy. I filled my boots with enough photos to stock my blog for weeks ...
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Saturday was the first time I have walked around The Dome site since its completion. I appreciate that the Dome and its contents were intended to be a second Great Exhibition but, for some reason, the prospect of trolling over to North Greenwich to fork out £15 to be assailed with vapid New Labour propaganda never really grabbed me. Think of all those wonderful things I and 99% of the other people who paid for it, missed by not visiting it when it was open; The Choice Zone - The Stakeholder Zone -The Starbucks Zone - The End Zone.
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I heartily recommend a visit now though. In its current condition, today's Dome is arguably more interesting that it ever was when it was open. There's a strange, Scooby Doo Haunted Fun Fair atmosphere about the place. Acres of empty car parks in the early stages of being reclaimed by nature, abandoned ticket booths, dozens of silent, rusting turnstiles.
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The Dome project failed on so many levels. It's empty. It cost a fortune. It failed to capture the public imagination and the much heralded regeneration of the local area just didn’t happen.
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In fact, less than two minutes walk from The Dome's main entrance lies what feels like the only still active Dome exhibit; the South East London Scum Zone.
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... the least the organisers could do is issue you with blue flak jackets.
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Back in the days when The Dome's backers, including Tony Blair, still thought the project would make them look good, a tourist footpath was cleared between The Dome (Home of our Millennium Celebrations) and Greenwich (Home of Zero Longitude and Millennium Ground Zero). The problem is Blair's people never finished, neither the footpath nor the area around it. Once everyone realised how disastrous the whole project had become they decided to skulk away from North Greenwich; like an embarrassing mattress stain.
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What remains is a footpath marked with cheery signs embellished with cutesy acorn icons and lined, along most of the route, with razor wire. I don’t think the wire is there to stop people breaking into the derelict buildings that line the walk. I think it's there to prevent the occasional misguided tourists who walk the path from drifting off and being eaten.
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Even though we hadn’t secured a copy of the official Scum Zone walking guide, it was clear that at least some of the Zone was anthropological in scope. From the safety of our Jurassic Park-style protective access ramp, we could stare across huge open areas filling up in real-time with discarded household rubbish and broken motor parts. Future generations of archaeologists digging on this site will deduce that the Old Ones based their economy on trading worn truck tyres and made, and buried, occasional naked child sacrifices. All available walls and enclosed spaces are extensively decorated with primitive art and messages to the spirit world. Most of the art and messages relate to fertility rituals, though not all of it; apparently Dwayne smells.
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Spaced at regular intervals along the length of the path you can inspect the remains of long abandoned, small-scale urban regeneration projects; a couple of benches here, a few dead flower beds there. Most are marked with a plaque that proudly proclaims the improving agenda of these works. All of the plaques are obliterated with graffiti and you get the distinct impression that, as soon as the brief opening ceremony was completed, the project sponsors hurriedly fled to their waiting cars; the site turning to instant neglect before the near-side passenger doors had even closed.
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You see a lot of this kind of stuff around London; commemorative benches, statues, murals, all sorts of things. Aside from being handy spots to trade and consume drugs, their genesis serves no other purpose than to line the pockets of select architects at public expense.
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We are never permitted to know how much The Dome or similar projects really cost. The Dome certainly cost something in excess of £1bn. Somebody benefitted from it and they certainly don't live in North Greenwich.
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After a while, North Greenwich merges into Greenwich proper. An altogether more affluent experience, which I won't write about here; except to say that it's equally horrible, in a different way. We did, however, pause to check out the Cutty Sark. Just this very week, £13m of public money has been granted towards its total restoration cost of £26m. Of course, the actual restoration will cost nothing like £26m but the 'improved visitor facilities' will add to the final price considerably.
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And yet again, thoughts of obscenely overpaid architects with contacts in local government and public bodies, and the sacks of public loot under their control, came to mind.
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There's a peculiar rhythm to walking around much of 21st Century London; despair filled sink hole -> expensive gated residual development -> waste of public money -> despair filled sink hole -> expensive gated residential development, and so on; for mile after mile.
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And, right on cue, immediately after central Greenwich, there's Deptford. Brrr, nasty.
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Times are changing in Deptford though and the architectural errors of the past are in the process being erased. The old landscape of crumbling industrial buildings and forty year old, ugly, low quality, high density, multi-storey residential developments is being replaced with ...,
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… brand new, ugly, low quality, high density, multi-storey residential developments
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In the language of New Labour this crap is referred as aspirational housing; relatively low-cost dwelling units that semi-destitute povs scraping a living as inner city teachers, nurses and care workers can one day dream of living in.
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As with many parts of London there's absolutely no connection between reality and political rhetoric.
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I've no doubt it's been said before but if the people who plan, design and build this muck had to live in it, it would look a lot different. If their wives and kids had to walk home in the dark in these places they would also be managed differently. Whilst I'm at it. If they and their kids went to local schools, used the local hospitals, ate the same crap and lived the same daily life as the majority of people in London do, everything would be very, very different indeed.
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On a previous walk a few weeks ago we passed through Islington. Islington is the kind of place where our ruling elite lives and raises its families. I came away with a powerful wish that someone would cluster bomb the whole district, Iraq syle, and re-house the surviving residents in Tower Hamlets, Brent and Woolwich, just for a laugh. A kind of champagne socialist Diaspora. You could cap it all off by spending millions of pounds of money earmarked for regeneration of their new areas on some rubbish sculptures and glass domes, built by your friends, then kick them to pieces and abandon them as a soon as they're complete. Now I'd get on a tube and pay fifteen quid to see that.
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But I digress.
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We passed through Deptford and continued on towards our final objective for the day. Our pilgrimage was nearing its end. To the North lay Rotherhithe and Michael Caine's birthplace ...
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Niece update


Latest pic of my niece Francesca - aaaah