The Police - Your Friendly Guides

and, remember, no-one should have any problems with being filmed or put on a database if they've got nothing to hide

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New Customers Only pt2

Yet another satisfied Northern Rock customer

See also: 'You're a big bank, but you're in bad shape. With me it's a full time job. Now behave...'

Satisfied Northern Rock customer discussing recent corporate strategy decisions with a Northern Rock board member

etc etc

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PS Best opening credits to a British film ever?



As always, I am quietly confident that everyone knows the answer to that question

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Stef's Shopping Tips #428

Sainsburys have got both Toblerones and Muller Rice on special at the moment

though I caution against buying both at the same time...



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New Customers Only pt1

One of the personal consequences of the implosion of Northern Rock has been that a couple of pensioners have asked me to look over their savings and other financial arrangements

And even though they smell vaguely of cat food and repeatedly call me by my brother's name they are not yet that far gone to believe a word of what the government, the television or the banking industry is telling them

Apparently, Northern Rock is 'on the mend'...

A personal message from Channel 4's Jon Snow informing me that Northern Rock is 'on the mend'

...which seems to be the new way of saying 'irredeemably fucked'

Personal experience gained from shuffling a few old ladies' savings around this last week, combined with some anecdotal evidence and my patented spooky psychic powers, tells me that, unsurprisingly, there have been some rather chunky, and largely unreported, flows of cash out of and into certain retail savings institutions

My spooky psychic powers are telling me that it's been a splendid week for the likes of building societies such as Nationwide, Britannia and Chelsea (try calling their new account opening phone numbers for a giggle)...

...not such a good week for the likes of banks such as Bradford & Bingley, Alliance & Leicester, HBOS (Halifax) or Barclays (Woolwich), any of which could easily be a lot sicker than we are being led to believe

and no prizes for spotting that my ESP is telling me that it is building societies which are feasting off the wounded flesh of banks which were once themselves building societies

Building societies were never exactly the most brilliantly managed institutions. They do however have several things going for them - especially the fact that building societies don't issue shares and are therefore immune to the kind of exciting stock market shenanigans which result in the bouncy, bouncy price variations that speculators find so rewarding

Maybe I missed it but the acres of media commentary and analysis generated as a result of (ex-building society) Northern Rock's demise somehow failed to touch upon all sorts of pertinent and potentially enlightening lines of thought:

• the near death of building societies ten years ago, when large numbers of 'carpetbaggers' colluded with the banking industry in return for a few hundred poxy quid in windfall shares
  
  
• the negative influence of the stock market on directors, under constant pressure and temptation to increase share prices through adoption of half-arsed, short-sighted business strategies; including ill-advised cost cutting, creative accounting and adoption of insanely risky business models
  
  
• the role of powerful speculators armed with resources capable of distorting shares prices and rigging markets
  
  
• the presence of quite a few people in the queues who appear to have 'saved' an awful lot of cash, or maybe they had piled up their loot off the back of the same lunatic housing bubble that looked liked it was going pop any minute, taking their unearned nest eggs with it - a few vaguely guilty consciences and a subconscious fear of an impending dose of cosmic yin and yang perhaps?
  
  
• the Governor of the Bank of England telling the Treasury Select Committee when he appeared before it last week that, yes, the people pulling their money out of Northern Rock were behaving rationally. Their savings were not safe and would have either been lost or frozen for months if the Bank of England and the Government had not eventually intervened with an explicit guarantee

The BBC's sophisticated analysis of the roots of the Northern Rock crisis

All things considered it was much easier to blame a few thousand 'irrational', poorly informed grannies for the fuck up

The results of a rather dubious on-line poll run by the BBC last week - at least 65.91% of the astroturfers who responded were flat wrong

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Who will save us now?

Tupperware fans around the world will be stunned to discover that New Scotland Yard Anti-Terrorism Superhero DAC Peter Clarke Kent has just announced his retirement…


However, given that Clarke is only a fresh-faced 52 years old, it is likely that his razor sharp intellect and ace anti-terror skillz will be much sought after and put to good use in the private sector

It seems only fair that Peter collects a reward for his part in fighting the Eternal War on Terror

The awesome 'Delta 6250' aka Satan's Lunchbox - (with lid)

Peter has shared much of his wisdom and sage philosophy with us over the years, including this favourite quote which I think encapsulates so much about the way the Eternal War on Terror is being fought on our streets…

"It is no exaggeration to say that at the time of the arrest there was not one shred of admissible evidence against Barot. The arrest was perfectly lawful - there were more than sufficient grounds, but in terms of evidence to put before a court, there was nothing. There then began the race against time to retrieve evidence from the mass of computers and other IT equipment that we seized. It was only at the very end of the permitted period of detention that sufficient evidence was found to justify charges. I know that some in the media were sharpening their pencils, and that if we had been unable to bring charges in that case, there would have been a wave of criticism about the arrests. Barot himself of course eventually pleaded guilty last year and received a 40-year sentence."

Finding a replacement of equal calibre to Peter Clarke is going to be a nigh impossible task but if we want to continue preserving Western Civilisation by handing out life sentences to the mentally ill and people with suspicious kitchenware collections that successor has to be found




As an anonymous commentator opined by way of verse elsewhere…


Lines on the Retirement of DAC Peter Clarke

So. Farewell
Then Deputy Assistant Commissioner Peter Clarke.

You were
In charge of protecting Royalty when
Princess Diana was killed in a car crash in Paris on August 31, 1997.

You were
In charge on July 7, 2005 when
bombs killed 52 people in the rush hour on the public transport system.

You were
In charge on July 22, 2005 when
An innocent Brazilian was killed,
With eleven shots spaced three seconds apart,
He was shot seven times in the back of the head
With bullets that left his face unmarked,
And once in the shoulder. The other three shots missed.

"Not on my watch",
That was your
Catchphrase.

My money
Is on Cressida Dick.

(E.J. Thribb 77 and a half)

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and whilst on the subject of tWoTs and suspicious things in the kitchen, imagine my slight confusion the other day when browsing the Internet in search of a reasonably priced (i.e. cheap) bottle of plonk to order for someone in New Zealand and coming across this...



"In Australia, cleanskin wine is a term for bottled wine that does not carry a label or any other identifying marks. Cleanskin wines are sold in sealed cartons of six or twelve bottles and the carton must display a label that meets the minimum legal requirements as defined by Australian law.

Cleanskin wines have been sold in Australia since at least the early 1960's but are generally only popular during periods of imbalance in the Australian domestic wine market. Wineries will sell cleanskins to dump excess or unwanted wine stocks and do so to avoid the negative consequences of discounting their existing brands. This form of dumping often has very little to do with the quality of the wine and consumers can benefit greatly however there is always an element of risk when purchasing cleanskins.

In recent times, "cleanskins" have become equated with Australian terroir. Cleanskins are often sold based on region of origin rather than by winemaker or brand. Retailers will charge a premium for certain varietals from certain regions such as Riesling from the Clare Valley or Shiraz from the Barossa Valley"

Faceless Terroir Wine

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Sorry I Confused You

And the prize for the most astonishing blog post I've read for a long time goes to Dilbert creator Scott Adam's piece entitled...

A feeling I'm being had

That would be the post that starts with...

"I was happy to hear that NYC didn't allow Iranian President Ahmadinejad to place a wreath at the WTC site. And I was happy that Columbia University is rescinding the offer to let him speak. If you let a guy like that express his views, before long the entire world will want freedom of speech."

and ends with...

"If Ahmadinejad thinks he can be our friend by honoring our heroes and opening a dialog, he underestimates our ability to misinterpret him. Fucking idiot. I hate him."


Whoever said that Americans can't do sarcasm?





See also Scott's follow up post, written in response to the enthusiastic reception given to 'A feeling I'm being had', entitled...

Sorry I confused you

Which would be the post that starts...

"In reading the comments to my post yesterday, I see that many of you were confused about my positions. Evidently all of you are brilliant, so I assume the problem is on my end. With your indulgence, allow me to clarify.

1. I am not happy that Hitler killed your relatives..."


Utterly gobsmacking

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Public Service Announcement

"He's big! He's round! He's worth a billion pounds!"

"... He's also dreadfully litigious!"

Someone just sent me a link to a post in Chicken Yoghurt's blog...

Public Service Announcement
Thursday September 20 2007 at 4:42 pm

Tim Ireland’s Bloggerheads site is currently down after his webhost pulled the plug. You can thank the latest Russian (that should be Uzbek) billionaire to reach the UK.

Tim’s currently also without email so if anyone needs to get hold of him, I’m happy to be the go-between and pass on any message by phone. My email address is at the top of the page.

This also means that the family of websites that Tim and Clive (whose site is also down) look after are also currently AWOL. So if you’re missing the online presences of Craig Murray, Bob Piper or Boris Johnson, now you know why they’ve gone.

Tim and Clive are now looking for a new web home from themselves and the rest and are hoping to be back within 48 hours. If any sympathetic souls would help spread the word, it would be most appreciated.

and, yes, the blogs in question do appear to be unavailable

Yet more proof, if ever it were needed, that we in the UK are gifted with the finest legal system that money can buy

Given that this situation appears to involve banning of blog sites and the British establishment's ongoing policy of kissing oligarch arse, two subjects dear to my heart, I should be joining in with others screaming from the rooftops about this

and I probably will

However, there is a certain degree of irony involved as at least one of the bloggers caught up in this has been involved in one or two unsound campaigns (imho) against blogs he doesn't like himself. On top of that, several of the blogs coming out against what has happened over the last couple of days have also been prone to heaping abuse on we Conspiraloons in the past and, presumably, the present - though I'm not sure as I stopped reading them some time ago

Personally, I'm all for finding common cause with decent people unhappy about the direction our lives are being pushed towards, even if they hold some beliefs that I believe to be misguided - and that includes people of religious, political or scientific faith. Divide and rule is a tactic of the powerful and I for one try very, very hard not to be suckered into that game

"Can't you see the difference between us?! He's Black on his LEFT side!! ...and he's got a bigger thingie!!"

So, yes, the latest act of censorship stinks and needs to be publicised and acted against. It would just be nice if some of the people caught up in it weren't in the habit of accusing my conspirabuddies who have issues with the 'Official Narrative' of 7/7 of being insane c*nts

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edit: Lord Patel has more here

edit #2: Tim Worstall has compiled a list of bloggers who have commented on and criticised the actions of a certain Uzbek tyrant billionaire, and his outstanding contributions to the cause of free speech in the UK, here

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Fool me once...

Thanks to LWTC247 for pointing me towards the latest incarnation of Northern Rock’s Homepage which is now given over entirely to a personal statement from Northern Rock’s CEO Adam J. Appletise.

As well as doing a very passable impression of the Evil Hood from Thunderbirds in the accompanying portrait, Adam also includes this outstandingly generous offer to people who have withdrawn money from Northern Rock over the last few days…

Northern Rock CEO - Adam J. Appletise

“I am also pleased to announce that any customer who has paid a penalty for withdrawing their investment, will have the penalty refunded if they re-invest the same amount in the same type of account by 5th October 2007.”


…but presumably only if the customers bend over, grab their ankles and ask nicely first

Carlo Ponzi would be well-impressed

Chancellor of the Exchequer - Alastair Darling

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Another site worth a quick browse in these difficult times is the Have Your Say page on the BBC site devoted to the question…

Will Fed rate cut boost the US economy?

…which is in the process of being cut off from the rest of the BBC site and completely overrun by Conspiraloons™ posting about the evils of the Federal Reserve, credit based money systems and being rogered senseless by bankers generally

As I type, the most recent post includes a personal favourite quote from a former director of the Bank of England Josiah Stamp

Former BoE director Josiah Stamp - a man with no known Thunderbirds look-alikes

"Banking was conceived in iniquity and was born in sin. The bankers own the earth. Take it away from them, but leave them the power to create money, and with the flick of the pen they will create enough deposits to buy it back again. However, take it away from them, and all the great fortunes like mine will disappear and they ought to disappear, for this would be a happier and better world to live in. But, if you wish to remain the slaves of bankers and pay the cost of your own slavery, let them continue to create money ."

Marvellous, marvellous stuff

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Rational decision making

It's fairly clear that the likes of the BBC and Sky have been told to 'cool it' today.

And the No.1 reason being given why people should leave their life savings in a mortally wounded bank that's managed by gibbons, when there are dozens of other deposit taking institutions often located next door to Northern Rock branches more than happy to take the money at comparable interest rates, is?

"It saves queuing outside in the rain"

I've got some news for the BBC and Sky...




It's not actually raining

and, apparently, there aren't any queues

On the other hand if Northern Rock depositors decide to stroll into their local branches in the blazing sunshine to transfer their life savings into a bank that isn't terminally fucked they won't be able to watch television and lap up all those fascinating stories about the McCanns and Foot and Mouth that are creeping back onto our screens

Hmmm, tricky choice

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edit:

Some of the comments underneath this post include reference to coverage of the McCann story and the involvement of alleged master of the Media Dark Arts, Clarence Mitchell...

Hmmm, just like the real thing

which reminded me of a curious wee interview given by the BBC to one of the people queuing outside Northern Rock's Golders Green branch earlier today

Not only was he about a third the age of your typical Northern Rock conspiraloon depositor he also explained in fairly eloquent terms that...

• he was only queuing up to withdraw some money from Northern Rock so that he could buy shares in Northern Rock which were now a bargain price

• he was going to leave the rest of his money in Northern Rock because it was just as safe there as anywhere else, probably safer

• everything, in fact, was just fucking peachy

...as Northern Rock customers waiting outside one of its braches go, a dream come true for both the bank and the government

Isn't it great when dreams come true

It was all a bit thick really and the Beeb wisely skipped repeating the interview in tonight's 10 o'clock bulletin

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They're all Conspiraloons™ now - pt2

Channel 4 News tonight included an interview with a psychologist as part of its coverage of the run on Northern Rock. The message?

People who have been queuing to take their money out of Northern Rock are mental

Typical Northern Rock depositor

They're also a little bit thick and failed to comprehend the guarantees (sic.) made by the Bank of England, The FSA and the Government on Friday and over the weekend

Another...

Hmmmm...

this is an interesting line to take, given that those people were taking money out of a bank that had been rendered insolvent by management incompetence and were preferring instead to deposit their savings with one of the plethora of alternative financial institutions that have so far not imploded themselves to such a state that no other bank would touch them with a bargepole

Yup, totally bonkers

And as an unrepetent and proud member of the Conspiraloon™ Alliance, the sight of large numbers of people sick to death of being lied to, reacting against the establishment and being branded by the mainstream media as nutters for their pains pleasures me immensely

I love it

More please

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It's also worth noting that, as with the fuel protests seven years ago, this 'direct action' taken by a few thousand angry members of the public has clearly shat our establishment up more than a couple of million people marching against the invasion of Iraq ever did

If you know where to poke it, The Beast is weak...

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