If I perceive it's becoming a demonstration I'll come and let you know. How about that

I opened up the Internet today and saw the headline

Prescott urges Labour to avoid "war" – Reuters

And, for the briefest of moments, I thought that the IncredibleCocktailSausageMan had suffered from some kind of mental seizure and had spoken out against the war on Iraq.

Silly me.

One person who is still speaking out against the Iraq War is Brian Haw, though it’s looking increasingly likely that he’s going to have to stop doing it opposite the Houses of Parliament. Three appeal court judges decided that he and his peace camp represent a significant security threat to our beloved MPs and that he has to move on.

This will be a real shame. Partly because the right to protest in public is an important right but also because Haw and his camp have proven to be a magnet for all sorts of amusing though sadly futile activity.

Mind you, I keep saying how futile all these right to speech demonstrations have been but they have obviously pissed Blair and Co off enough for them to draft legislation banning them.

The latest amusingly futile stunt took place on May 1st when ten demonstrators turned up with a blank protest placard and trotted around Westminster pursued by sundry police and surveillance people, Benny Hill style. A short video is available here and includes a few choice lines including…

"If I perceive it's becoming a demonstration, I'll come and let you know." How about that?"

Priceless

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The suggestion that Haw is to be moved on because his camp represents some kind of security risk is a transparent lie. It is a nice example, if one were needed, that citing security concerns as a justification anything that our leaders wish to undertake is the name of the game from now on.

Pretty much any activity can be depicted as a potential cover for terrorist activity.

That’s why our government has such a hard-on for terrorism.

And the truth isthat no level of security can prevent terrorism, particularly if the terrorist is willing to exchange their life for their target’s life. The Nazis couldn’t stop terrorism in their time and the Israelis can’t now. Trading liberty for security is a fool’s bargain and anyone offering to make such a trade is either wicked or stupid, or both.

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For not entirely unrelated reasons I have recently been enjoying reading up on the latest advances in Remotely Piloted Vehicle (RPV) technology. I have been particularly impressed by the New Zealand hobbyist who designed a DIY, GPS-controlled, ramjet powered cruise missile that cost only $5,000 and then he put his draft plans on the Internet. I also like the look of the Yamaha RMAX G1.

Short of imposing a 24 hour curfew in central London, jamming all radio frequencies and shrouding the House of Parliament in a huge wire mesh bubble it’s not entirely clear to me what the security services could do to stop one of those babies

/ Reverts to Dr Strangelove mode

Well, sir, if the pilot's a really good man, I mean really sharp, why he can barrel that plane along so low - well you just have to see it some time ... zig-zagging in, its jet exhaust frying chickens in the barnyard ... Has he a chance? ..... Hell, yes! He has one hell of a chance!

If I were a character in Southpark...

I've just found a web-based drawing package that can give you some idea of what you would look like if you were a character in Southpark

Southpark Studio v2

Oh dear...

Flip Flop Squirrel

Fodey.com

Dave the Chameleon

Whilst on the subject of the folks at Backing Blair, praises be upon them, I was tooling around their site and came across their version of the Dave the Chameleon video...

Dave the Chameleon

I prefer their version a lot more than the original.

I’d be the last person the sing the praises of New Conservative leader ‘Call me Dave’ Cameron but Labour’s Dave the Chameleon negative campaigning project is a particularly woeful enterprise.

They’ve set him up his own web page with a blog and everything...

Dave the Chameleon’s Blog

Even if you didn’t know New Labour was behind Dave’s blog you could tell straight away by the absence of a comment option.

The fact that it is excrutiatingly unfunny and a significant distance up its on arse is also a major ‘tell’

Anyway, I’ll have to leave my Dave the Chameleon blog comment here instead

‘Dear Dave (and Friends). Great blog. This is your best ever stunt since you started pretending to be ordinary members of the public and wrote all those letters to newspapers, phoned radio chat shows and posted blog comments saying how great the New Labour government was. For your next trick why don’t you just crawl back into your hole and FUCKING DIE!!! you slimy deceitful humourless douche bag. Big kisses, love Stef’

There, I feel better now.

Presumably, Dave the Embarrassingly Unfunny Chameleon and his blog will be allowed to just die quietly one day when no one is looking and the New Labour spin team can back to what they’re good at, telling straight lies

New Labour sucks donkey dick

OK, so the Uk local elections turned out pretty badly for New Labour and now, for the umpteenth bleeding time, the airwaves and newspapers are just bursting with endless chatter about when Blair should or shouldn’t step down and let someone else become Prime Minister.

What no-one, and I mean no-one, outside of the Internet is suggesting is that it really doesn’t matter which particular figurehead is in charge.

They are all the fucking same.

Yup, your average London taxi driver has a more incisive take on what’s going on than any journalist or political commentator.

Exactly the same thing is taking place in America with George Bush

The notion that the removal of Bush, or Blair, will act as some kind of panacea for all that’s been fucked up in our societies is being actively pushed by the supposedly Left Wing/ Liberal press and politicians. Those bitches are pushing this crap because they are owned by the same people and playing the same game.

We live in a world where we are increasingly jerked-off with false choices.

And ordinary people are dumb enough to swallow it.

Time and time again I’ve encountered expressions of a justification process that goes something along the lines of

‘The grassroot supporters of New Labour and the majority of its politicians are decent people and once Blair and his clique are removed everything will be just hunky dory’

Bullshit. I know we’re just a stone’s throw from seeing Thought Crime on our statute books but, for the moment, people are still best judged by their actions and, more to the point, omission of action.

New Labour sucks donkey dong. Big time. As, undoubtedly, does the newly spun Conservative Party.

The superstars at BackingBlair, all praises be upon them, put it better than me though, and to music too.

Don’t Vote Labour

The World According to Leo Blair

My mate Marmite

As has been pointed out a couple of times by way of comment in this blog, I am frequently cyncial about the effectiveness of (misguided) direct action against the woes of this world.

A recent Flickr group discussion about the significance of Marmite to the British way of life reminded me of a time when I was not so jaded. I'd like to share that memory to demonstrate my socially active credentials...

I took part in a Marmite eating boycott 25 years ago in response to the manufacturer, Beechams, having extensive business interests in the apartheid regime in South Africa.

This was a heavy burden for your average tree hugging social progressive to shoulder as Marmite was the preferred breakfast spread of vegetarian anti-apartheid campaigners across the UK.

But it was worth it and I like to believe that by switching to marmalade I helped free Nelson Mandela

I'd like to believe a lot of things

The Sultan's Elephant

The Sultan's Elephant
Originally uploaded by Simon Crubellier.

Normally I'm quite dismissive about whacky public art and the bullshit, and expense, that often accompanies it.

I must admit however to being quite taken the concept of a 42 ton mechanical elephant stomping around Westminister, as is taking place right now.

If it wasn't pissing down I might even be there instead of here

And thanks to Simon Crubellier for posting a decent series of Elephant shots taken yesterday when the weather wasn't so rubbish

/ looks out of window, fingers brolly

Who to vote for in Lambeth

I feel suitably chastened by a comment on my last post which reminded me that some local voters have got together and produced a website intended to stimulate interest in the local elections in my fair Borough of Lambeth

http://www.electionmemory.com/

As the people behind the website put it…

Why Lambeth?

A couple of reasons. Firstly some of us live here and care about what happens to the place. But secondly turnout in Lambeth is low (very very low in some areas). Hopefully this site might trigger enough debate to make people want to go out and vote...

Fair play to these people for caring and trying to make a difference. Me, I’ve had the dubious experience of working for a few London Councils in the not super distant past and I believe that the entire system is a whorehouse.

Maybe one day a few of us can get together, tear the whole thing down and start from scratch.

I doubt it though. The process of turning every service that was once controlled by elected, accountable politicians over to companies like Equita, Capita, Omni Consumer Products, and all the rest, rolls inexocerably on and on.

In the meantime…

/ shrugs shoulders

Its Local Election time again - oh goodie

It’s local election time again this week.

One of the key give aways of impending local elections is the flurry of ‘local newsletters’ that start vomiting through your front door a week or two before.

They all share certain key characteristics

• Even though they are produced by political parties, they have apolitical titles like ‘The Londoner’, ‘South London People’ or ‘Oval News’
• Even though they’re only produced for elections they purport to be some kind of regular publication
• They make extensive reference to something called The Community. A shadowy, cult-like organisation managed by saintly figures who would lay down their lives for your personal salvation and well-being
  
• They’re published by c^nts

Fans of the movie ‘Memento’ will recognize strong parallels between the contents of these newsletters and the notes written by Guy Pierce to himself as he struggles with his loss of short term memory. Presumably, activists working for the major political parties assume the average voter suffers from a similar affliction

Do not trust the Labour/ Conservative/ Liberal candidates

They lie

Trust your local Labour/ Conservative/ Liberal candidate instead

We’re great. You remember all the great things we’ve done in the past don’t you

One of the real problems with the UK local elections, and even the national elections, is that as more and more public services get farmed out to faceless private contractors on long term, monopolistic contracts the significance of which political party is in charge becomes less and less important. Local elections have simply become a mechanism to establish who gets the complimentary blow jobs and Caribbean holidays whenever a new contract tender is up for negotiation.

Conviction politicians are sadly thin on the ground. As are convicted politicians, but that’s another story.

The worst of my current crop of propaganda fliers is ‘The Londoner’, produced by the Mayor of London’s office.

There’s been some talk over recent months that maybe we should consider state funding of political parties as an alternative to political parties canvassing for cash from private interests.

Yes, very funny

Our political parties are already ripping our faces off to promote themselves. Look at the plethora of Orwellian ‘the government is good’ adverts that started to appear in the media from the first day New Labour came to office

Ken Livingstone’s ‘The Londoner’ is no different. And there’s something particularly annoying in being served up with political propaganda that was paid for out of mandatory taxation.

According to the Londoner, Life has never been better than under Ken Livingstone.

Our first reaction on reading it was

‘Wherever this newspaper is talking about sounds great, we’d really, really like to live there’

Our second reaction was

‘Oh, it’s here… Bugger’

Highlights from the latest issue of the Londoner include

• The news that it has been scientifically established that only the mentally ill are opposed to the 2012 London Olympics and the huge money trough that is about to be constructed in East London
• A particular bizarre quote from Ken Livingstone extolling the fact that London’s current population growth is comparable with its growth ‘at the height of the Victorian Empire’ – and we all know how great things were for the average Londoner back then
• This line taken straight from the fucking Twilight Zone - ‘Londoners now say that transport is one of the best things about living in the capital, while five years ago it was named as one of the worst’

!?

!??

Presumably the Londoner did not speak to anybody who uses the Northern or Victoria Lines and those that they did speak to were OK with the idea of travelling on the most expensive public transport system in the world’. Or maybe the Londonder interviewed this man who clearly enjoys travelling on the London Underground immensely.

… Transport … one of the best things about living in the capital…

For fuck’s sake

The Londoner didn’t mention anything about the Capital’s annual tractor production or wheat harvest statistics but if it had I’m sure the figures would have been marvellous.

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Even though the Londoner is the cream of the crop when it comes to deceitful local election piffle the Liberal Democrat's own 'Oval News' deserves honourable mention featuring, as it does, a large picture of Tony Blair and George Bush above the caption 'Labour backed Bush's Iraq War'. Presumably that feature was prepared by Oval News' international correspondent.

Kidnappings and murders yes - a firebombing is unusual

One of the things I’ll miss about living in London is the opportunity it provides to pop out of my front door and see events, or the aftermath of events, that have made the national news in person.

The fact that these events are almost invariably horrible kind of takes the edge off things a little.

It’s getting to a point where I’m almost blase about the bounteous availability of horrible things on offer. So much so that last Thursday afternoon when an air ambulance was hovering directly over our back yard and I could hear the sound of at least half a dozen police and fire engine sirens on the main road I carried on diddling away on the Internet.

It was only later on, when a friend left a jokey, but dark, comment on one of my flickr photos about ‘Price Cutters’ that I bothered checking up to find out what had been going on...

It turns out someone had chucked a fire bomb into my local Price Cutter convenience store and one of the poor sods inside had choked to death. He’d got stuck in the back of the shop and couldn’t get out because the door was locked. Having been obliged to put shutters on my own windows years ago, after the local burglary rate just got plain stupid, I sometimes wonder if I’d be able to get the buggers open in time in case of fire. The choices we have to make eh?

Like I said, the firebombing happened on Thursday.

It didn’t rate as much of a national story.

Then, round about Sunday morning, the police declared that the attack may have been racially motivated. The media went balllistic. Suddenly, it was the lead story in all the TV and radio bulletins. Clapham Road was swarming with news crews…

The moral of the tale being…

Human life is more valuable if taken by a racist?

My favourite quote of the day came from one of the blokes in the convenience store next door (yes, we just can't get enough convenience stores around here). He said something along the lines of

I’ve lived here for more than ten years and I’ve never heard of an incident like this. I can’t believe it. Kidnappings and murders, yes … but someone firebombing a shop … That’s unusual

Welcome to Lambeth

The only other funny of the day came from the police e-fit of the arson suspect. Compiled with state of the art, multimillion pound supercomputer technology and an enormous database of all known human facial characteristics, they came up with this …

by PC Plod, aged 5

For fuck’s sake