More important information from this week's newspapers

Al Qaeda's Executive Vice President, Vending Machine Refills

I was hoping that this week would prove to be a rich trove of silly stories hitting the headlines and I haven’t been disappointed.

I love this one

Pakistan missile test not alarming: US State Dept

WASHINGTON (AFP) - Pakistan's first cruise missile test was conducted in a way that was not provocative, a US State Department spokesman said, although Pakistan did not give advance warning to rival India.

"It's important to us that actions by states on the subcontinent are done in ways that aren't provocative, in ways that aren't threatening. I think that by all accounts that test met that criteria," deputy State Department spokesman Adam Ereli told reporters at a briefing here on Thursday.

Given that Pakistan is ruled by a military dictator, has nuclear missiles, fought three wars with India, including threats of a nuclear exchange in 2002 you’ve got to wonder how it is possible to make an unannounced cruise missile launch ‘non provocative’. Do you paint a smiley face on the warhead? Give it cute, bunny ears? Fit a sound system that plays non-threatening, progressive rock during flight? Whatever the secret is I’m sure the Iranians would like to pick up a few pointers

And then this one…

Heat dashes Palestinian quest for longest sandwich

JENIN, West Bank (Reuters) - Palestinians abandoned a quest to build the world's longest sandwich on Wednesday after health officials told them their 750-metre construction risked rotting in the West Bank summer sun.

Hats off to the triumph of the human spirit. What with everything else that’s going on there at the moment; the civil unrest, the hate, the terrorism, the poverty and the despair, there was still one person who still had the vision to build a 750m long mortadella sandwich in an attempt to get into the Guinness Book of Records. I’m just gutted that I haven’t seen gritty photoreportage-style pictures of Palestinians temporarily exchanging their suicide belts for butter knives, pounds of processed meat and novelty aprons featuring women's breasts or slogans saying things like 'World's Best Chef'. Hang on a minute though, isn't mortadella made with pork? Maybe the mortadella was a a ruse and they were really planning to use Satan's Sandwich Filling (SSF) instead. I'm not sure if SSF actually exists or not but I'm sure someone will get round to inventing it at some point.

And a non silly story about the CCTV image from Luton Station explaining the peculiar anomaly in the frame that supposedly proves the picture is a fake. Personally, I always though the anomaly was a curiosity rather than a smoking gun but a lot of people out there thought otherwise. Material like this is just a distraction from the really silly elements of the 7/7 investigation, such how is it the police have arrested and charged heaps of people over the failed 21/7 attacks but no-one has been charged in connection with 7/7. Why’s that?

One person who is almost certainly not going to be charged in connection with 7/7 is Haroon Rashid Aswat, who’s just been extradited into the UK from Zambia. The UK press has been filled with speculation that he was the ‘mastermind’ behind 7/7. Well, the latest candidate anyway and definitely Al Qaeda’s Number Two in somewhere else or another. You can say whatever you want about Al Qaeda but there’s no doubt those guys are operating a seriously flat management structure – somewhat akin to those American companies where everyone gets to be a VP.

Haroon Rashid Aswat - Executive Vice President Vending Machine Refills and Bringing the Fiery Sword of Allah Crashing Down on Infidel Vermin, Pacific Coast Region - Call Me!

Anyway, if Aswat didn’t coordinate 7/7 he’s definitely wanted for trying to establish a terrorist training camp in Oregon.

Yeah, right… Oregon, the perfect place to set up a Jihadist terror base. And if that turns out to be true (thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week) does that mean we all get to take turns bombing the crap out of it, with particular emphasis on wedding receptions?

Good news though, Osama Bin Laden is apparently on holiday in Orlando, so there’s a possibility the rest of the month will be quiet here in London. That would be nice.