Thursday, October 16, 2008

All not well in Middle Earth

♫ Shiny Happy People ♫

There's a distinct possibility that I'll be moving to New Zealand in a few months

It's not the easiest of countries to get a visa for as they're very picky about who they'll let in. You have to prove you don't have criminal record, prove that you have no serious chronic medical conditions and prove that you'll be able to support yourself. Oh yes, and it costs money. Lots and lots of filthy, lovely money

There is, of course, also the outside possibility that the person checking your visa application plugs your name into Google to see what they find. So I'd better be careful what I write

Imagine an anthropologist with a twisted sense of humour kidnapping the population of a fair-sized Northern English town and marooning them on a remote island in the middle of the South Pacific for 150 years ... New Zealand

Fair enough, most people say. New Zealand is after all a paradise on Earth. A completely undeveloped island(s) packed with cheery, colourful native folk, where no-one works in an office or lives in a tedious, soul-crushing suburb and everyone spends their time engaged in extreme sports and swimming with whales. A land of harmony and prosperity
which has turned its back on US-led militarism and where the grass really is greener

Houses apparently cost about the same as a small family car

The Force is indeed strong in the New Zealand Tourist Board

Christchurch city centre

However, every now and again a friend will send me a link to something on the web which indicates that all is not well in the Land of the Long White Cloud

Here's an extract from today's latest arrival...

"Looks like it's as bad as London down there now!!!!! You may be interested in today's most emailed stories from Stuff.Co.NZ:

Blaze residents fire up at media

2. Tetraplegic man's body found in river

3. Korean tourist's body exhumed from water-logged grave

4. Company fined over $100,000 for ditch death

5. Bail for two charged with Tauranga stabbing

6. Ex-St John manager guilty of child porn charges

7. Police woman quits over assault allegation

8. Name suppression refused for sex offender

9. Two die after suspected norovirus outbreak

10. Parents tell of gentle son killed in 'heinous' attack

In the immortal words of Martha and the Vandellas, there's nowhere to run to baby, nowhere to hide...

Come to think of it, let's have that on video



not anonymous said...

one very important thing you forgot to mention about New Zealand.

Kiwi women are the most promiscuous in the world – right up there with Austrian blokes, a survey says.

New Zealand women have an average of 20.4 sexual partners, according to a survey by condom-maker Durex.

The global average was 7.3.

If you need a carpenter to help with the new house gimme a shout!

Stef said...


Stef said...

promiscuous yes

scary also

not anonymous said...

the weather girls.Michelle was alright,,not much nipple however.308 subscribers,,,fuck,,,lots a scary people out there!

Edo said...

Go Stef!!!
And that's some shweet music there mate.

Stef said...

Oh I've applied to

Yes, yes I have

Am currently in the process of familiarising myself with New Zealand's rich history and culture

and comedy names

The Underdoug said...

Hope you'll continue to blog when/if (hopefully) you reach the 'promised' (or is it promisc-ed) land.

My regret is that I have no chance of heading the same way, but then again I've had reports of the down side from a blighty emigrant who came back to Europe (but not back to blighty).

Good luck in your endeavours.

Stef said...


but they haven't let me in yet

and appear to be in no great hurry to decide either

Stef said...

...the potential downsides are many

and it's an obvious thing to say but you don't leave your own personality behind when you move to another country

My experience has been that a fair proportion of people who decide to emigrate somewhere continue to have issues that they need to address within themselves wherever they go

Provided you've got enough to eat you can have a decent, fulfilling life in some of the crappiest places on Earth and, equally, be miserable as fuck even if you're surrounded by all the material comforts you could reasonably hope for

Obvious I know but so many people just don't get it, or should I say are manipulated not to get it

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. I'm still in England though :p

Noel said...

Hmmm...perhaps I should start packing heat on my commute.

Noel said...

Tom Cruise not killed in NZ

Stef said...

Hmmm...perhaps I should start packing heat on my commute.

Shhhh, no-one on this side of the world believes that people in New Zealand commute

and, obviously, if New Zealanders did commute it would be along a breathtaking alpine fjord with a dolphin strapped to each foot

Stef said...

and in today's

Man given community work after cruelty to mouse

Lindsay Rowles pleaded guilty to animal cruelty charges and offensive behaviour after he grabbed a mouse from a woman's cleavage, pretended to eat it, and killed it in the process.

An indecent assault charge was withdrawn.

Rowles was sentenced to 180 hours community service and one year's supervision with drug and alcohol counselling.

Stef said...

and in today's travel section...

Mysterious Iceland worth the effort

Iceland is unlike anywhere else, an incongruous mix of sublime scenery and few resources, writes David Marr...

In fairness, it's ripped from the SMH, but whoever decided to put up is a genius