Sunday, November 07, 2010

FF15MP Spot the Difference Contest #51

A. Sir William Cubitt




B. Ian Duncan Smith




And if your answer was 'I can't see much difference but IDS does look like he's having sex with a goat' you can write your name on a scrap of paper and stick it in the raffle box

-

Compelling people to work for less than two quid an hour might, just possibly, bump into one or two small snags. The work has to be exceptionally unskilled, can't compete with work currently being done by people actually earning enough to exist, and it can't matter if The Compelled do, as is likely, a really shit job of it

Cubitt-style treadmills offer a tried and tested solution to these problems, especially when connected to a big windmill, or some rocks




This is an all-weather solution and doesn't involve much additional expense on stripey outfits, chains, shotguns, dogs, riding crops, mirrored shades or any of the other paraphenalia associated with managing reluctant groups of labourers in open spaces





And if any whinging do-gooders start complaining that this kind of enforced physical drudgery does nothing for upper body strength, you could always compel the feckless to alternate between treadmills and operating some of these wall-mounted bad boys...



...as once used in Dartmoor Prison, that's the one still privately owned by the Royal Family

Of course, if IDS were brave enough to be a true neo-radical he could use cranks and treadmills to interface* all of the unemployed with electrical generators, commoditise their output US prison style, draw up a few bonds and turn them over to our fabulous banking industry to make a market with.




* = something like a person-sized Skinner Box, but with an axle



.

39 comments:

paul said...

I like how they sent out Daniel Alexander, former flim flam man for a particularly absurd scotch quango, to take the heat (or more accurately the warmth) from the mass media.

Stef said...

I have to confess that I too feel a certain warm fuzziness towards the suggestion that thieving scumbags who live the Life of Reilly off the backs of hard working families should be compelled to do gruelling and demeaning physical labour until they comprehend what honest work is

Stef said...

can you see where I'm going with this?

Stef said...

as someone just said in another place...

"As it stands there is a man with a gun at one end demanding pieces of paper from you constantly or you will be shot and at the other is a smiling man with a job offering you pieces of paper in exchange for work at the other.

Everyone who works works for the central bank, and everyone is a slave.

Of course they make sure there isn't enough work for everyone, so there is always enough terror to go around. And they make sure you are all trained to attack each other so that you can vent your anger at this situation at your fellow slaves, deny it is slavery (important psychologically) and never attack the guy with the gun or refuse the smiling man with the piece of paper. Hell, it's such a good system most people are simply unable to identify what's going on due to the various psychological defense mechanisms."


arguably a simplistic PoV but, apparently, still not simple enough

paul said...

If they're scraping chewing gum off a shopping centre floor, they are not actively seeking work, so I think they should have their fat jobseeker fiats withheld anyway.

They can always eat the gum.

Anonymous said...

In Scotland the Slave recruiting agency is called Triage Central Welfare to Work to help unemployed people secure jobs

My mate who is a time served moulder (dead trade)and 49 years old was forced to work for Triage or all his benefits would be cut(rent unemployment benefit etc)for 13 weeks.He was sent to work "up in the hills " renovating an old castle.He was surrounded by ex cons drug addicts and various social rejects.He was paid 30 quid a week for his efforts and the employer was paid something like 90 quid a head to renovate the castle.

After the 13 weeks you let go from the chain gang.Soon however Triage will be on his back for him to do another 13 week slave labour course.

Anonymous said...

fancy a banquet!?


Triage gets 150 people back into work through opening Dundee Jobs Banqueting Centre

Stef said...

What a charming merger of corporate and state care

So modern, yet also reminiscent of times past

paul said...

Triage can supply
Self help programmes that will allow you to understand and manage your condition including anxiety, depression, pain, relationship issues, sleep problems and anger management.
Is there anything they can't do?

Strange name:

At its most primitive, those responsible for the removal of the wounded from a battlefield or their care afterwards have divided victims into three categories:

* Those who are likely to live, regardless of what care they receive;
* Those who are likely to die, regardless of what care they receive;
* Those for whom immediate care might make a positive difference in outcome

Stef said...

There was a time when referring to people who are compelled to work for someone else as being 'customers' would have been looked-up as being sarcasm, or even vaguely sinister

Fortunately, we live in more enlightened times

Stef said...

"Is there anything they can't do?"

If there is I'm sure this lot can fill in the gaps

in my BS Bingo scorecard if nothing else

Anonymous said...

Yep Triage is really a slave recruiting agency with a fancy front.The language it uses ie slave s are customers is truly bizarre.
My mate is caught between the devil and the deep blue see.If he finds a job then its going to be of a very low paid nature and then he has to pay full rent and council tax etc etc and he is far worse of than he would be unemployed,,he would be working just to pay bills and food with absolutely nothing left over.
If he reuses Triage however he is effectively homeless.

Anonymous said...

that should be sea of course!

paul said...

I'm not sure how coerced low paid work does anything to restore your confidence and self esteem

Stef said...

Through demonstration of the Grace of Perseverence?

Anonymous Coward said...

Compelling people to work for less than two quid an hour might, just possibly, bump into one or two small snags."

I know someone who's a full-time carer for their ill wife and he gets paid the equivalent of 20p an hour. It's an incredibly demanding job too.

Stef said...

:(

Anonymous said...

Here is how Triage describe themselves

The Triage network of delivery centres across the country provides a unique support framework designed to motivate and inspire individuals to regain confidence and self-respect. It’s a personal service that provides professional recruitment advice, employability skills and preparation, guidance, mentoring and an in work customer care service that successfully helps people to get a job and keep it.

Employers are the cornerstone of all our initiatives and without their commitment and involvement all employment initiatives will fail. A fundamental aspect of what we do is to design and deliver, in partnership with employers, training and work placements to ensure customers are job ready to compete effectively in the labour market.

Triage provides the link between employer and the unemployed person. It gives the prospective applicant the chance to demonstrate what they can offer and employers the opportunity to recruit someone with the skills and abilities to do the job.


phrases I love are " Delivery Centers" "Customers" "design and deliver"

Stef said...

Unfortunately, whoever wrote that was asleep at the wheel and forgot that any sentence which includes the word 'Delivery' must also include 'Excellence'

It's crucial operational details like that which separate the wheat from the chaff in the agile ecosystem of proactive public-private partnerships

Anonymous said...

I love this page from Triage.
Partnering for Performance
To enhance and maximise the range of customer choice and employer networks that help meet the aspirations and job goals our customers, Triage works with partners that can share and bring complementary experience of connecting jobless people with diverse local labour markets. Triage places priority on a supply chain that is a source of secure, technically competent, innovative and dynamic leaders that work collaboratively with Triage to deliver its contract obligations. A vibrant and efficient supply chain, fit for purpose, is vital to provide exceptional quality of customer service, customer experience, customer care and surpass customer’s expectations.

Stef said...

F**k me, there's a whole world of genuine cost savings to be had out there

Stef said...

Bingo!

Anonymous said...

Well I can tell you that from the perspective of my unemployed Moulder mate things are grim indeed,,he has however got Triage to look forward to!another 13 weeks of manual labour for 30 quid a week!

Stef said...

"and surpass customer’s expectations"

I doubt that would be very difficult

Stef said...

...and, given the cunning placement of the apostrophe, it's just the one customer they're aiming to please

Anonymous said...

Some more phrases from Triage.

Life is a Carousel!

Merry-go-round of Success!

One employer representative from Toys ‘r Us commented “We have had a great turn out today, it really makes a difference as everyone is so smartly dressed, prepared as if ready for an interview, providing us with their CV and very polite…….many good people, with relevant skills have come forward………It has been excellent to have the time to speak and interact with prospective employees as we do not often have the time during our recruitment process in store; this is a great way to try and recruit”

paul said...

Well if it's good enough for popular television presenter, Dougie Donnelly, (for fuck's sake) to lend his special brand of charisma, they must be doing something right.

I wonder what staff toysrus were after, heavyweights for the boardroom?

Tom said...

They've been doing this for years and Gordon Brown was a big fan of it, as was Frank Field.

About seven years ago my Job Centre "advisor" came up with the bright idea that I would have to work in Halford's for fuck all during the run-up to Christmas. Just telling the doctor that was enough for him to sign me off with depression instead.

Tom said...

That's Halfords 30 miles away, an hour on the bus each way.

Tom said...

Not so much get on your bike and look for work as get on the bus and sell bikes you can't afford.

Then there was the time they told me to bring my forklift licence to a builder's yard so I could get some "experience" - sweeping the yard. I think words were had.

Anonymous said...

Recruit retired army officers for schools - Heseltine
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-11684372

misleading_abstract said...

Hezza: "Boys who have had no male in their lives..."

Stef said...

Ah, the indefatigable spirit of Generals Gordon, Kitchener, Baden-Powell and Montgomery lives on

Stef said...

The establishment has never really had any problems with homosexuals in the military, or public life in general. It just prefers them to be as repressed as possible with all the positive energies that go with it

Stef said...

"Prof. Hamilton claimed to have known Montgomery in the last twenty years of his life, a friendship that began when Hamilton was just 11 years of age. While the professor can't say if Montgomery had been passionate in his relationships with other men, he deems his love to be purely platonic. "I myself have more than 100 very loving letters from him.", Hamilton says in his book. This is deeply irritating. I sent the aging field marshall a letter in 1975 when I was a young captain, and he never wrote back."

Stef said...

and Monty really did say "This sort of thing may be tolerated by the French, but we're British - thank God."

Anonymous said...

A wellness stick video.

Lots of goodness being dished out.

YouTube - POLICE STATE UK US 2010 CAUGHT ON CCTV PART 3 www.crookreport.co.uk

gyges said...

Phil Shiner came to a town close to me and gave a presentation of this nature.

Anonymous said...

Phil Shiner came to a town close to me and gave a presentation of this nature.↑

yep seems like a decent man,,,you can see the same sort of brutal psychological torture now in British police.