Just prior to the announcement of the General Election the leaders of a particular political party wrote to me with an interesting question
‘Stef, We’re in a bit of a bind over here at Conservative Central Office. You see we don’t actually want to win the next election. What with the collapsing national infrastructure, the unprecendented levels of personal debt, bubbles in the housing and stock market, involvement in a costly and unpopular overseas war, rising drug addiction and violent crime, a pisspoor education system, a collapse in industry that means we have nothing to left export other than military force, and all the other stuff, we don’t fancy the prospect of taking over very much. The problem is that Tony Blair is such an arse and is responsible for so many rank things we’re not sure that we’ll be able to successfully lose next time. What do you think we should do?’
Easy peasy lemon squeezy. I sent them my patented five point Guide to Successfully Betraying Your Country by not Presenting a Credible Opposition and they seem to be following it quite closely.
- Avoid all positive campaigning.
- Develop punchy slogans covering sensitive issues such as immigration that leave even people who are concerned about those issues feeling like they need a shower after hearing them
- Take exactly the same position as Tony Blair on all keys issues that people of conscience disagree with him on.
- Concentrate your campaigning on a minority of single issue voters in such a way that you win half of their votes whilst pissing off everyone else
- Ensure that all publicity material is illustrated with pictures of local candidates looking as smug, self-satisfied and as oily as possible
It’s working a treat isn’t it.