Sunday, January 22, 2006

Ooooh I love you, oh, you pay my rent

And the prize for Wally of the Week just has to go to ex Liberal Democrat Home Affairs spokesman Mark Oaten.

Of course, on hearing the news that Oaten, married with two children, had been spending time with a male prostitute, the obvious first question that all concerned citizens must ask themselves is ‘was Oaten the pitcher or the catcher?’. Well, that’s what I always ask myself.

Now I’d be the last person to criticise Oaten, or anybody else, for their lifestyle choices. I’m currently reading Matthew Parris’ biography where he eloquently writes about the problems of being a gay and seeking and holding political office. It doesn’t sound like fun. What makes Oaten such a colossal bell-end is that he chose to enter the Liberal Democratic leadership contest without first dealing with such an obvious skeleton in his, erm, closet…

Hummmm, let me see …I’ve been paying for sex with a man whore for the last six months and now I’m going to stand for election as leader of Britain’s third political party. Nope, no potential problems on the horizon there. Only the two of us know about it and he’s definitely not going to sell the story to the newspapers. No, I’m his special bitch…

Aside from the Oaten’s sheer stupidity, another aspect of the story that gets me is the obvious relish even such supposedly responsible organisations as the BBC have displayed in using the expression ‘rent boy’.

The boy in question is 23.

How old do you have to be before you get promoted to male prostitute?

I know, I know, rent boy is such an excellent term. Half of it rhymes with ‘bent’ and the other half adds a suggestion of paedophilia to the payload.

Rent boy

It just rolls off the tongue doesn’t it?

What the fuck is it with our MPs anyway? Oaten’s resignation statement included the line ‘I would like to apologise for errors of judgement in my personal behaviour’. Former secretary of state for Wales and legendary cottager Ron 'moment of madness' Davies’ used the same language after being mugged whilst cruising on Clapham Common. What exactly is the error of judgement in question? I’m guessing that you don’t ‘judge’ that you’re into sex with strangers in public places so presumably the error is that he got caught doing it.

Actually my personal favourite Ron Davies line was his claim, after being photographed visiting a well-known cruising spot near a motorway lay by, that he was looking for badgers.

He fucks badgers?

You name it and there’ll be a Member of Parliament into it; from kiddy porn through to dressing up in lingerie and hanging yourself with an orange in your mouth.

So, what are the three surviving candidates for the Liberal party, the party of Jeremy Thorpe, leadership into? I must confess to having a soft spot for Simon Hughes. He was my local MP for twenty years until I moved into Lambeth from Southwark and he is revered by a large number of his constituents. Unlike many London MPs he is seen out and about his constituency and is always approachable. The last time I saw him he was drinking a can of lager in the crowd at a free Chas and Dave concert in Southwark Park a few months ago. However, political pundits consider him to be too fluffy and question his credentials to be a serious leadership contender.


My question is ‘what’s his bag?

And what about the favourite candidate, Sir Menzies Campbell? What toots his flute?

autoerotic asphyxiation?

The really serious issue behind all of this is the power of the British newspapers and the handful of unelected people who own them. Our newspapers gave up serious investigative public interest journalism years ago but they remain the first port of call for any sleazy fucker with some dirt to sell. This means that the likes of Rupert Murdoch are the modern day equivalent of J Edgar Hoover; sitting there with files of information on an array of public figures. And they get to decide when to make the contents of those files public. Some stories remain unpublished for years until they’ve properly matured. Some don’t get reported at all. Just as well that major media moguls are such nice, honourable people isn’t it?


Anonymous said...

Rent Boys? I hear the bottom has fallen out of the I'll get me coat.

I found it somewhat ironic that he can be shown of TV (before) with his children (ah family values, good egg, safe pair of hands etc) and their faces are shown and yet (after, bad boy, dirty boy....back in your basket!) their faces have to be blurred out. What will that do?


Daniel said...

Ah, Ming Campbell. I remember meeting him when I was a undergrad at Kings the first time I ever got on the crowded Circle line @ Notting Hill. He had his face in my right armpit for three stops ;) Poor guy... he did not look too enthused as he got off the train. :D Bless