Whack a Mullah

American Counter Insurgency Simulator

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I dozed off last night in front of the tele and woke up a few hours later when Tracy came through on her way to work.
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There was a story about the assault of Fallujah on the box. We both looked at each other and were clearly thinking the same thing. Tracy said:
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'It's like Groundhog Day isn't it?'
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I agreed. Operation Phantom Fury was taking place in full force and being beamed into our front room 'subject to military reporting restrictions'.
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Later on in the day, presumably through an oversight, the BBC interviewed an Arab pundit who, for a change, appeared to be talking sense. When asked by some daft power-dressed bint in outsized, fashionable specs if the assault was a necessary prerequisite to democratic elections he said ...

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'Do you think you can force democracy with an army? Once the Americans have taken Fallajuh they will turn it over to Iraqis and the insurgents will be back within a week. Look at Samara. The Americans liberated it a month ago and now the Iraqi police and army are there fighting between each other!'

The interview was cut short, a trailer for a later program was run and when it finished the guest had magically disappeared.
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The BBC is most religiously 'on message'
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But he was right. The Americans are merrily engaged in the largest game of Whack-a-Mole in history. 'Bamm!', missed those insurgents in Samara. 'Wallop!' they've popped up in Fallujah. 'Crunch!' they've been spotted in Ramadi. 'Cobblers!' they're back in Samara again.
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Experienced Whack-a-Mole savants appreciate that there is always an almost infinite supply of moles left at the end of the game.
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My suspicions about the basis of American strategy were further stimulated by an interview with an American general who referred to 'Breakout' and taking the battle to a 'higher level'. Presumably he will ensure that his troops are adequately equipped with power-ups and laser canon before they come up against Ayatollah Sistani on the Boss Level.
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This all reminds me of watching, from the comfort of an office window, Italian pedestrians play human Frogger trying to cross a street Bologna several years ago, but that's another story.
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Could it be that the Americans have discarded the works of Sun Tzu and Clauswitz, preferring instead the blessed teachings of the Super Mario Brothers? Are American marines scurrying around the streets of Fallujah gobbling magic pills, powering themselves up to eat furry fiends right now?
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And what's going on with the name for the assault? Operation Phantom Fury. What's that all about?
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In the old days, military operations were named liked hurricanes; you just picked the next name in the Big Book of Operation Code Names. Now the Americans appear to be getting their operation names from movie titles and Heavy Metal album covers ...
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Real US Operation names in Iraq to date:
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Operation Phantom Fury
Operation Iron Hammer
Operation Desert Scorpion
Operation Bulldog Mammoth ('Striking Insurgents Where They Live!!!')
Operation Ivy Cyclone - Parts I and II (How very 1970's)
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Stef's suggestion for future operation names:
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Operation Nico, Out for Justice
Operation Democratic Revolution. My tank is .... Reloaded
Operation Outflanking strike from the South next Tuesday after lunch
Operation WhackaMole
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This all dovetails nicely with an article I read a few weeks ago which explained that, after extensive trials, the US military have established that Enter Sandman by Metallica, played five or six hundred times without pause, is the best record for softening up Arab prisoners for interrogation. That must be doing wonders for record sales.
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The role of music in contemporary American warfare should not be underestimated. The Vietnam War was lost partly due the morally ambivalent posture taken by the US government but also because the accompanying music was such a downer, cue the soundtrack

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'I look inside myself and see my heart is black' …

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'Better run through the jungle' …

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'One Pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small'

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'Nowhere to run to baby. Nowhere to hide' …

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A Long Way to Tipperary this was not and the US Military realised that it was going to come up with better theme music for its future wars. Even though the 'Ride of the Valkeries' Air Cav assault in Apocalypse Now and the Country and Western playing tanks in Kelly's Heroes were fictional, the real military knew a good idea when it saw one.
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Yes, bring on the New US Army. Fighting war strategies based on Pong, communicated in the language of Iron Maiden singles, in combat for Jesus and fantasising about being cowboys hunting bad men; to the accompaniment of Heavy Metal and Prog Rock …

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'I'm a cowboy
on a steel horse I ride
and I'm waaanted
dead or alive'

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(cue 12 string guitar solo)

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Is this real? Sadly, yes. Have I slipped into a bizarre parallel universe? Can I go back to my old one please?