The philosophical implications of best-selling tripe

Herbie the Hedgehog on a fag break whilst moonlighting as a West End theatre usher

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Is there such a thing as Good and Evil?
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This question that has plagued philosophers for centuries. Unless we postulate the existence of a Creator, who has defined these terms for us, can they really mean anything? For example, consider the act of a lion killing a baby gazelle. Is it evil? Is it good? Surely such concepts are a human invention with no basis in the natural World.
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By the same token it is fair to ask is there such a thing as good art and bad art? What natural rules can be applied to judging whether a painting is good or bad? Surely such opinions will differ between observers; each with their own individual aesthetic, arising from their own personal life experience and background culture? Is their such a thing as absolute bad?
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Yes, yes there is.
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Yup, it's Day Two of reading The Davinci Code. Normally, I'll finish a book in one or two sessions, selectively speed reading along the way. If it's any good I'll go through a second time at a slower pace. So, far I haven’t been able to spend more than 15 minutes at a time with my current read before collapsing into hysterical laughter.
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On my last attempt I was making so much noise I had to get out of bed so that Tracy could get enough sleep before work tomorrow. Like a hysterical hostage in an action film, I couldn’t control myself and thought it best to move to another room before Tracy administered a calming slap in the face.
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It all started after reading through a particular page that included such corking dialogue as …

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'Sophie Neveu was one of DCPJ's biggest mistakes. A young Parisian déchiffreuse who had studied cryptography in England at the Royal Holloway … Her eager espousal of Britain's new cryptologic methodology continually exasperated the veteran French cryptographers above her … She was moving down the corridor towards them with long, fluid strokes … a haunting certainty to her gait … her eyes were olive-green - incisive and clear … her words curved richly around her muted Anglo-French accent'
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Coming so shortly after …

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'The delicate art of the cajoler was a lost skill in modern law enforcement, one that required exceptional poise under pressure. Few men possessed the necessary sangfroid for this kind of operation, but Fache seemed born for it. His restraint and patience bordered on the robotic.'

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… I lost it completely and started giggling and repeatedly muttering to myself 'This man's a multi-millionaire' off the back of this crap. This man's a multi-millionaire' off the back of this crap'
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Yes, the same God who designed testosterone in a way that it increases your sex drive and makes your hair fall out at the same time was laughing in my face once more. 'Look at my World' says he 'and gasp at its sheer absurdity - if you dare. I am a pesky, prankster God and I'm having a right old giggle'.
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I'm a generally well read kind of chap and particularly well read on the subjects central to this book. If I'm obliged to reach for a dictionary (English and French), thesaurus, trusty occult encyclopaedia and copy of The Necronomicron every second line what hope does the average reader have? Presumably most people who bought this book never finished it or learned to live with the knowledge that large chunks of it would be utterly incomprehensible to them for all time.
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So far, I'm barely 10% of my way through and already I can tell that this is a meticulously researched piece of work. Most of the meticulous research consisted of blatantly rewriting whole chapters of The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail but there's a perceptive understanding of technology in there as well. So far, we've had characters …

• Using their cell phones in planes flying at 35,000ft (I blame the US Government for making people believe that one is possible)
• People being tracked with GPS units in the basement of the Louvre
• Cell phones that double as walkie talkies (necessary because the plot calls for a character to be not contactable in one sentence then fully contactable a little later on. Explained away with the line 'It was an expensive model equipped with a two-way radio feature' that worked even when the phone was turned off. Kool!!! I's just gotta get me one-a those babies!)

OK, I'm a little late arriving at the party. The book has already sold gazillions of copies and presumably a film version is being made somewhere. I didn’t buy a copy when it came out because it gave off an unpleasant, vaguely sulphurous odour even then. Now I'm sure. Somehow word has yet to get out but let me let you into a secret …

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The Davinci Code is appallingly written, plagiaristic tripe. The only genuine entertainment to be had out of reading it is the insight it gives into the patent absurdity of The Universe in which we live.

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Even though I have yet to finish it, this book already takes a front row seat in my personal Pantheon of Very Nasty Things Indeed, along with every Chevy Chase movie ever made and Eyes Wide Shut (can anyone blame Kubrick for having the decency to die after making it?)

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And yes, there is such a thing as universal, and absolute, bad. I'm reading through it right now. By logical extension there must therefore also be such a thing as True Evil. QED. Nietzsche eat your heart out and leave the corridor light on when you go to bed tonight - there are monsters out there.

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