Royal Fight Club

Prince Charles - Tyler Durden

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Excellent. Now that they’ve been instructed to avoid reporting civilian death and misery in Fallujah for the time being, there's a lot more space on the news channels and newspapers to cover some other stories from around the world. A couple caught my attention this evening.
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First off, after yesterday's football match between England and Spain in which about 35,000 Spaniards hurled racial abuse and monkey noises at a couple of Black English players, the following headline hit the wires …

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FIFA Wants Explanation Over Racist Abuse
FIFA has demanded an explanation from the Spanish Football Association after England players suffered racist abuse at the international friendly in Madrid
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That's an easy one
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Explanation:

1. There were two Black players in the England squad
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2. Spanish football supporters don't like Black people

Solution

Select some Black people to play in the Spanish squad. OK this is a nation that pushes donkeys off tall buildings for entertainment and thinks filling in an EU subsidy claim form is a hard day's work. However, even people like that might find it difficult to abuse Black people if a couple are scoring goals for their side.
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Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. What's next?
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The Prince Charles story.
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Apparently, an extremely ugly woman is suing Prince Charles' office for sexual harassment and discrimination. Personally, I think she's on sticky ground given that the only person likely to sexual harass her is Benny Hill's character from the Italian job ('Is she big? I like them big') and that the person she has accused of doing the harassment is apparently, and like many of Charles' other boys, gay.
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Actually, aside from that unverified and unrelated story about him being complicit in a gay rape, I don't have very much against Prince Charles. We've only met once. I was having a pee in the basement of a museum in Arnhem ten years ago when his security team hustled me out of the lavatory tout suite so he that he could pinch one off in private. Clearly, he was in a hurry. That salted Dutch liquorice gets you every time.
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Unfortunately, I hadn't finished and found myself involuntarily reenacting the bathroom scene from Robocop.
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However, I've never held him personally responsible for me having to wander around Holland for an hour with a carrier bag covering my crotch.
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Prince Charles should be given due credit for all the good works he does through his youth charities. Years ago now, a friend of mine was in a bit of a bind after failing to complete three first year degree courses in a row. At her moment of greatest need, a timely business start-up grant from the Prince's trust enabled her to buy a home PC and spend a key year of her life smoking dope and playing Lemmings. It helped make her the person she is today.
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In fact I've started warming to Charles, particularly now that it looks very likely that he is, in fact, Tyler Durden. The reason why the harassment story has hit the news as large as it has is not because of the harassment charges but because of the contents of a memo Charles wrote as a result of the accusations. The rest of the World seems upset that Charles holds astonishingly old-fashioned views. I'm stunned because I think he's giving away the secret of his true identity …
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Prince Charles (internal memo)
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"People seem to think they can all be pop stars, high court judges, brilliant TV personalities or infinitely more competent heads of state without ever putting in the necessary work or having natural ability … This is the result of social utopianism which believes humanity can be genetically and socially engineered to contradict the lessons of history."
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Tyler Durden (Fight Club)
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"We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off"

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Is this merely a coincidence? Surely not. Charles is probably rogering Helen Bonham Carter, surrounded by mounds of soap and planning to firebomb a Starbucks as I type. Good on you Charlie and let's forget about that unfortunate little incident with the car and the tunnel shall we.