CSI Miami is pants

Cast of CSI Miami keeping well clear of each other's collars, cuffs and flares

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With the demise of shows such a Seinfeld and Frasier there's been a lot less in the way of quality American TV comedy around lately.
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At least I thought so until I caught an episode of CSI Miami this week.
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I'm not a great fan of the rise of Death Porn as a form of titillation. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for wanton titillation and I'm certainly not averse to fictionalised brutality and violence; if done tastefully and to a bass-heavy backing track, Hong Kong style. What I disapprove of is the gratuitous depiction of dead bodies as entertainment, justified on the basis that it's somehow educational.
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However, within the Death Porn genre there is good and bad. The movie, Manhunter is good. Hannibal is bad, so very, very bad. The original CSI is well made, well scripted and well acted and would therefore be good if it wasn't for the frequent shots of suppurating wounds. CSI Miami, on the other hand, suffers from all the vices of the original show but none of its strengths. It also stars David Caruso.
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But CSI Miami clearly is educational. Just from watching one episode I picked up the following:

• fuzzy recordings of kidnapper phone calls can always be processed to highlight the background noise of a unique local landmark e.g. 'I know that sound! That's the 7th street bridge. I walked past that every day on the way to school. Nothing else in the world sounds like that'
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• digital images always include key clues that pass undetected for several days until the star of the show walks up to a PC and utters the word 'enhance'
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• when short of clues, simply confront every person involved in the case with the words 'so, that's why you killed ...' in the hope that they will spontaneously break-down and confess. e.g. Suspect: 'Yes, we used to play tennis together'. Caruso: 'So, that's why you killed him!'. Suspect: 'Yes, yes, I confess! How did you get onto me you clever swine?'
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• in situations where you are born with ginger hair, have a narrow acting range and little in the way of good dialogue; put on a pair of sunglasses and stand with your hands on your hips, your thumbs hooked into your belt. When talking to people, walk up to them in a sideways, crab-like fashion and stare at them over your left shoulder, permit your sunglasses to slide half an inch or so down your nose. At times like these it is always a good idea to start the conversation by saying 'So, that's why you killed him'
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• it's OK to show people playing with corpses' eyeballs or jamming pencils into bullet wounds in close-up. It is not OK to let any nipples stray into the shot. Presumably that would be giving the game away. So, when portraying autopsy scenes, keep the camera on the ghastly wounds and obscure any breasts with artfully positioned pathologists' elbows.
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• Miami CSI forensic staff always wear sunglasses, even indoors, which explains why they go to work dressed as extras from 1970's aftershave adverts. Once at work they are severely hampered by their sunglasses and flamboyant clothing; struggling to see into microscopes, tripping over evidence boxes, inadvertently scooping up loose body parts and key clues into their huge cuffs; constantly stressed-out by the fear of the weekly dry-cleaning bill.

Apparently, the CSI franchise is stretching out to include New York. Now if I draw a simple graph of program quality on one axis and sequel number on the other axis, then plot CSI Vegas and CSI Miami on that graph, draw a line connecting the two and extrapolate that to include CSI New York, what can I conclude?
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With the notable exception of The Shield, I miss proper violent television. Can we please bring some of that back, rather than this badly made corpse-ridden junk.